06:34:57 am on
Saturday 13 Jul 2024

David Simmonds

Integrated Nanosystems Inc. is pleased to announce the appointment of Mr. Peter Slickman as President and Chief Executive Officer. Mr. Slickman comes to the firm after an extensive career in off balance sheet limited partnerships, ambiguously dated stock options, insider tipoffs, less than fully disclosed public offerings and docile governance structures.

Mr. Slickman's practices have led to crackdowns by federal agencies on at least three occasions, none of which has resulted in him being charged with any crime. Mr. Slickman expects to bring the same high standards to his new position. Resident in the Cayman Islands, he will operate from the firm's Miami Beach office.

Integrated Nanosysems Inc. is a leading supplier of hardware and operating systems to the spyware, spamming and internet gaming industries.

Press release: Associated Industries Limited

Associated Industries Limited today announced it has solicited and received the resignation of C. Watt Stickes as its Senior Vice-President of Corporate Advancement.

Mr. Stickes had been invited to appear before a specially convened meeting of the Board of Directors after certain questions were raised by an anonymous tipster concerning representations made on his resume. Mr. Stickes was unable to address these questions to the Board's satisfaction.

More particularly, Mr. Stickes claimed to have been Interim Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church from 1992-1994, and to have served as Governor of the State of Delaware from 1980-1990. Reasonable diligence procedures conducted at the time of Mr. Stickes' initial employment in 1996 did not give the corporation any basis upon which to consider the possibility that misrepresentations had been made.

Associated Industries is the world's largest manufacturer of diversified components. Frankly, no-one has any clue what goes on here and it's no great surprise that this charlatan got away with it for as long as he did. The public relations department wouldn't be surprised if those bozos in the Executive Suite didn't even proofread this press release. Hi, Mom!

Excerpt from "Foaming" - the in house newsletter of Blowhard Breweries Limited

Blowhard is relieved to announce the long overdue retirement of Bob "Sharp" Pencill as Senior Controller after a 40 - 40! - year career with the firm and its predecessor corporation, Acme Wood, Sawdust and Shavings Ltd.

Pictured above (left) with President Cliff Hangar at the annual executive retreat, held this year at the Des Moines, Iowa regional office, "Sharp" received a perpetual gold mechanical pencil and leather bound euchre set, while his wife Dot was presented with a square dancing crinoline featuring the Blowhard logo. "Sharp" will still be available to the corporation in a consulting capacity. As if we're really going to call him.

The only reason we didn't turf this guy years ago was the size of his severance package. We won't make that mistake again: we won't let our employees accumulate long service.

Next year's retreat's in Vegas, guys, and don't worry about receipts.

Some readers seem intent on nullifying the authority of David Simmonds. The critics are so intense; Simmonds is cast as more scoundrel than scamp. He is, in fact, a Canadian writer of much wit and wisdom. Simmonds writes strong prose, not infrequently laced with savage humour. He dissects, in a cheeky way, what some think sacrosanct. His wit refuses to allow the absurdities of life to move along, nicely, without comment. What Simmonds writes frightens some readers. He doesn't court the ineffectual. Those he scares off are the same ones that will not understand his writing. Satire is not for sissies. The wit of David Simmonds skewers societal vanities, the self-important and their follies as well as the madness of tyrants. He never targets the outcasts or the marginalised; when he goes for a jugular, its blood is blue. David Simmonds, by nurture, is a lawyer. By nature, he is a perceptive writer, with a gimlet eye, a superb folk singer, lyricist and composer. He believes quirkiness is universal; this is his focus and the base of his creativity. "If my humour hurts," says Simmonds,"it's after the stiletto comes out." He's an urban satirist on par with Pete Hamill and Mike Barnacle; the late Jimmy Breslin and Mike Rokyo and, increasingly, Dorothy Parker. He writes from and often about the village of Wellington, Ontario. Simmonds also writes for the Wellington "Times," in Wellington, Ontario.

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