The Marriage Game
Matt Seinberg

"Yes dear, whatever you want." Those five words can truly define a marriage. For me, it's a husband telling his wife that it's ok for her to do whatever she wants to do at that moment. I've heard those words more in my sales career than I care to remember: husbands letting wives buy a yellow refrigerator.

During my 18 years of marriage, not once have I ever uttered those words, other than in jest, but I write each one, in jest, this week. There are certain things I'll tell my wife that it's okay for her to do, mostly because I have absolutely no interest in them. How many husbands really care what comforter set they buy, unless it's a ridiculous amount of money?

I see couples shopping, every day, and it boggles my mind how the wives or girlfriends treat their men. Do you know why the women want to get married? Then they can tell their hubsand what to do.

Women love to shop, no matter what the item. Men hate to shop unless it's for electronics, cars, sporting equipment or other products they need. Otherwise, leave us alone. Men don't care what furniture women buy unless it's a comfortable chair for us. I believe every man, sometime in his life, should own a recliner. I don't have one, yet, but trust me, I will in the future.

My wife, Marcy and I talk about buying new living room furniture. This has gone on for almost two years. Marcy is the biggest procrastinator I have ever met. My saying for her is this; "Put off until whenever what you don't feel like doing now."

Holy-moly, how can anyone live like that and get anything done. That's not to say she doesn't get anything done, only the stuff I ask her to do. I'll let you in on a secret. I do the same thing to her, just to "get even." I get great joy out of it, and laugh when she calls me out on something. It's a great way for me, or any man to get some entertainment when nothing is on TV.

Last week we once again talked about buying new living room furniture. She made one excuse after another, and I finally gave her a deadline of September 15. By then, the kids are in school and she has more free time. I told her she didn't shop with me by then, I would pick out a leather sofa and love seat and have it delivered on my day off and she would have to live with it.

She knows I will do it. I've done it with other stuff, including a new mattress set, a 47" flat screen TV, laptop computer, portable GPS and various other things. Men, have you bought whatever without your significant other and suffered the consequences?

Those can include bad or no meals, the cold shoulder or with holding sex. Let's go over these one by one, shall we?

As long as we have money in our pockets and restaurants on every corner, food isn't an issue. The cold shoulder just means we can watch whatever we want on television, without listening to her endless chatter. As for the withholding sex, it's and trick, from Greek Literature, and is ok. We can hold out just as long, probably longer than she can. Let's see how fast she apologizes for being mean and vindictive.

Now, there are men who love to have their women tell them what to do, when to do it and where to do it. Again, I see this all the time and shake my head in sheer disbelief at what that man has become. It's quite sad really to see a grown man bossed around or bullied by the woman he loves, hoping she reciprocates. The bulling happens in public no less, how humiliating. How embarrassing is that! A man talked to, in such a way, by an adult woman who is not his mother, well, there's a name for him.

Working with the public for over 30 years has made me a bit cynical. Being married for 18 years has made me realize that I must stay strong, and resist the urge to become a zombie husband. When my two daughters and wife gang up on me for whatever reason, I try to reason with them, but rarely win.

At that point, I turn around and run. I know when to retreat, and when to hold my ground. Three against one are not odds I am in favor of, unless my daughters are in agreement with on something, and turn against my wife. Now that is funny, it's a remarkable sight.

Always remember, men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and we'll all get along. Of course, you must keep in mind that the man who first uttered this aphorism, John Gray, was once married to Dr (sic) Laura Schlessinger; yes, the radio talk show host

Now get out there and shop until you drop!