Oh, the Pain
Jennifer Flaten

Watching TV the other day, I saw the newest entry in the pain relief field. Apparently, there are just not enough ways to relieve our never-ending aches and pains on the market today.

Anyway, this particular formula contains, I kid you not, quick release crystals.

Seriously, have you seen these? Bayer makes them.

Basically, it is a pouch of aspirin with some sort of mysterious booster. This booster supposedly makes the aspirin work faster with an added bonus of, and I am quoting the ad here, 'citrus flavored quick release crystals'.

I am thinking the quick release crystals are the mysterious booster but whatever.

There are many, many things wrong with this product, but the worst part, in my very humble opinion is that you place it directly on your tongue.

No water needed. That's right pure aspirin on your tongue, citrus flavouring aspirin, no less; yuk.

Yes, I am aware that Goody has a headache powder, which has been around for years-frankly, I find that frightening too, but at least it is mixed with water.

I imagine it goes down quick with minimum after taste. Although, I have no plans to find out for myself-ever.

Back to the quick release crystals, the mere thought makes me shudder.

I used to take regular old aspirin, you know before it went all fancy and turned into acetaminophen (yes, I know they are two different things, I am being funny).

Moreover, I vividly recall how every once and a while, an aspirin would some how adhere itself to my tongue or worse yet how occasionally one would lodge in the back of my throat.

You know you are gagging too. So I ask you-who would do this on purpose?

Obviously, it is for people who want to do a preemptive strike on their pain.

What is with people needing instant-you heard me instant if not sooner pain relief? I am pretty sure the next entry in the pain relief category will be something that you take daily to prevent pain from ever happening.

Heaven forbid we endure even one fleeting moment of pain.

Now, I am not talking about people with a terminal illness or with chronic debilitating pain, they can have as much pain relief as quick as they need it.

No, I am talking about the average Joe who needs Oxycontin because he stubbed his toe.

When did we turn into a bunch of weenies who can't handle just a bit of discomfort?

At this point, in the rant I must say this doesn't apply to those who refuse to take medicine, and you know who you are, when they should.

There is a big difference between being unable to stand a twinge of pain and enduring pain for the sake of being tough.

I am thinking of all those people (mostly men) out there who have a cold, and who are miserable with the congestion and whatnot, yet they refuse to take a decongestant. Usually, they claim they don't like feeling all "medicine heady" my answer to that-rub yourself in with Vicks.

It is so simple take the medicine and you can breathe; if you can breathe, you can stop lying on the couch moaning that you can't breathe.

For the sake of your significant other, who is about to go up on murder charges because they smothered your snuffling ass, please take some cold meds.

This aversion to discomfort, notice I said discomfort, because most of us are lucky enough to never know serious pain, seems to be getting worse. Look at the celebrities dropping like flies, because they mixed pain medications or over medicated themselves.

Sure, they have access to bigger and better pain medications but still.

I blame the hippies all that better living through chemistry crap. Before that particular generation, people were stoic. If and when they had pain, they took medicine only if the pain was really, really bad.

They didn't moan about it endlessly and pop pills as if they were gummy bears.

In fact, the FDA is considering changing the dosing instructions for popular cold meds and pain relievers because people over medicate themselves.

Yes, if two is the recommend dosage and will work in due course, why not take 15 and get relief-right now.

Honestly, just give it a few minutes to work. Maybe, it isn't our low tolerance to pain that is the problem maybe it is our short attention spans.

What I want to know is how soon before the magic quick release crystals send someone on a quick ambulance ride to the hospital. You know if one pouch works "instantly", then two must work super-dooper instantly!

Now if you'll excuse me I cracked a nail while typing, the pain is terrible. I think I need a cold compress and some aspirin.