Help for Candidates
David Simmonds

I want to help the busy candidates for mayor throughout Ontario this fall. Here's an all-purpose speech template. Candidates - just go through what follows and choose option A, B or C. Square brackets indicate an instruction.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am:

A. Proud to have been born and raised in the county and to trace my roots back seven generations. Not that for a moment would I suggest you distinguish candidates on this basis. I just wanted you to know.

B. Proud to be descended from the settlers of this county. I'm fudging that a bit.

C. Proud to be living in a county with such a rich heritage. Let's move on quickly. I want to thank you for inviting me to speak. I'm especially glad to be here today because:

A. At these home meet and greets you usually get decent snacks. Are there any butter tarts?

B. Today's seniors are tomorrow's permanent residents.

C. [For Picton, Ontario, candidate speeches only]. Some sort of altercation will probably take place and liven things up.

I am running for mayor of this county because,

A. I believe we can do better.

B. We can achieve our full potential.

C. We need fresh ideas and new energy.

I believe in a county that is:

A. Prosperous and sustainable, mindful of our past but looking to the future.

B. Moving ahead on a go forward basis.

C. Up to date with the contemporary trends of modern today.

To get there we will need:

A. A thorough review of all our existing programs.

B. To cut fat wherever we find it. I guess I'll pass on those butter tarts. Well all right, just one or two.

C. To reduce the bloated, out of control bureaucracy at Shire Hall.

I was a councilor for the last few years, but you can't blame me for the economic or social problems because:

A. I was saving my best ideas until I ran for mayor.

B. I missed all the meetings because I got the times wrong.

C. I fought like hell for you but I was completely ineffectual.

Still, we must do more for:

A. Our young people.

B. Our seniors.

C. Our golfers.

I intend as mayor to make it a priority to:

A. Protect our heritage by providing funds to reconstruct

demolished buildings.

B. Give the economic development officer a spanking, and hire a

replacement to develop the same policies.

C. Make it illegal for visitors to enter the county with less than half

a tank of gas.

[Pause here to,

A. Bathe in rapturous applause.

B. Kiss baby, pet goat,

C. Kiss goat, pet baby.

Do not read this aloud]

Some have suggested that I am:

A. Against development of any sort.

B. Against taxes of any sort.

C. Against taxes of any sort and development of any sort.

Let me say this to that:

A. It's a long highway that doesn't have a Tim Hortons.

B. It we were all three feet tall, we'd be Martians.

C. All I ever accepted as a benefit from this job was a $10 cloth coat for Pat from the County Farm Store. [Pause here to wipe 'tears' from eyes]. Do not read this part aloud either, but it's probably too late to stop you now. I told you speechwriters should be paid $25 an hour, but no, you insisted $15 as the maximum; cheapskate.]

I refuse to be drawn into the sort of name-calling that would label my opponent as:

A. The sort of person who would never be caught dead in a restaurant on the Taste Trail.

B. A loser who couldn't get a paying job anywhere else.

C. A troublemaker who has got his own agenda.

My friends, in closing, may I emphasize the importance of doing your civic

duty and voting. But you'd better gosh-darned vote for me or I'll get heck

from my campaign manager [pause here allow for gasps of breath followed

by nervous titters]. To paraphrase:

A. Garth Brooks.

B. Fats Waller.

C. Richard Rodgers.

I say to you [may be spoken or sung]:

A. You'll have friends in high places.

B. No feat's too big.

C. Climb every goatherd, till you find your dream.

And so we will march on to victory with our slogan:

A. "I am the wind beneath your kilt."

B. "Because, because, because, because, because..."

C. "Hotter than a pepper sprout."

[Break out Dixieland band music. Retire to back room and curse stupidity

of: A. Campaign manager.

B. Audience.

C. Humour columnists.]