Colouring Off
Jennifer Flaten

I caved in and bought one of those ‘Adult’ colouring books. Okay, is it just me, or does that name make it sound like it should come in a plain brown wrapper? Could we find a slightly more dignified title for them?

An enchanted forest of colouring pages.

I mean you can still be dignified and buying a book of enchanted forest colouring pages, right? Right?

Colouring is not only relaxing, but it makes you feel artistic-even if you’re not. I mean, I can’t even draw a stick figure, but I can sure as heck can fill in a pre-drawn image with colour like nobody’s business.

Of course, getting the colouring book meant I needed a new set of coloured pencils. Naturally, I needed something to store those in and since I am at the craft store why not get some watercolour pencils. How about some manga pens? Sure why not?

Before you knew it I bought $200 of art supplies.

Huh, maybe I should have my husband colour a few pages before he reads the next credit card statement.

The colouring books will come in handy at the next school concert or other event. Usually, I take my knitting along, but after an unfortunate incident involving an escaped ball of yarn it’s been suggested that I bring something else to keep my hands occupied.

I would bring books to these functions, but since I have to give the appearance of listening, the more crafty items work best. I get so lost in a book that I’ve been known to ignore repeated attempts to get me attention. Hell hath no fury like a teenager that has to yell ‘MAAAHM’ 3 times to get your attention.

Plus, one time I was reading in the after school pickup line and was so engrossed in the book I forgot to move forward to pick up my kids.

If you’ve ever attended a school function you understand why you need to bring something to do. They are so, so….okay, I am going to come right out and say it. Boring, they are boring. A school meeting that involved a real live dinosaur would still be as boring as hell.

For an institution that sends a Chromebook home with every kid, and uses YouTube as a teaching tool, their meetings lack a certain je ne sais quoi.

I am not asking for lasers (okay, maybe a laser would liven things up) just that you either project your voice or use a damn mic. I don’t know where they get the impression that their normal speaking voice will reach the nethers of the auditorium. Look you deal with kids-or in this case-teenagers all day, don’t tell me you don’t know how to yell.

I am colouring this stress relieving colouring book

Why? So, I don’t jump up and scream “MIC, MIC”.

Let me hear you roar.

And, for the love of god stop handing out a copy of the powerpoint presentation compressed onto one single 8.5” x 11” sheet of paper. Unless, I am packing an electron microscope in my purse I won’t be able to read it.

One more suggestion, please stop taking audience questions.

Please. I am begging you.

Lord grant me the strength to sit through one more meeting where parents 1, 2, 3 and 4 all ask the SAME flipping question.

Sure, it might be reworded slightly, but it's still the same question. No little Johnny can’t take Physics 3 without Physics 1 & 2 no matter how damn smart you think he is.

Mmm, sorry seems I have a bit of pent up aggression, I think I need to colour a few more pages.