Big or Small
Matt Seinberg

It doesn’t take much to amuse me. I enjoy a good laugh, be it big or small.  I saw something on the way to work today that always makes me laugh, and that’s a little old lady in a Camry driving so slowwwwwllllllyyyyyy that I want to scream. The funny part is a big car with a little lady behind the wheel.

You know how that looks; nothing but a little head of white hair hunched over the steering wheel, hoping not to crash into anything. More than likely, one of the directional blinkers is on, confusing surrounding drivers even more.

George Carlin had some of the funniest lines for an oxymoron ever written. Some of my favorites include jumbo shrimp, military intelligence and baseball diamonds. I’ll leave you to your own devices to figure out what they mean.

Another of my favorites is seeing someone really tall with someone short. My sister is 4’11” and was married to a guy 6’6”. You had to take a step back to see them both at the same time. Let’s face it, you rarely, if ever see a tall woman with a short guy. Is it that the tall lady doesn’t want to be seen with a short guy, or the other way around?

How about this one? A really large woman, commonly referred to as a BBW, that is, a big beautiful woman, with a skinny guy. My friend Jerry is 58, tall and athletic and is a chubby chaser. He never expressed any interest in a “normal” sized woman, and only went out with plus size ladies.

BBW’s love chubby chasers, since they don’t have to get thin for them. These guys just love to grab on tight and hold on for a good time.

I wonder if the opposite is true. Do thin women like chubby men? It’s rare that I see this, so I don’t know how common this could really be. Just remember, it’s not on the outside that counts, but what’s on the inside.

If you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn for sale.

Then there are the people who believe that they need everything around them to be big. They have to have the biggest house and cars on the block, if not the neighborhood. Sometimes it’s just not worth keeping up with these people, unless you see an inheritance or lottery winnings in the future. You’ve heard of the Joneses? These McMansion people think they’re the Rockefellers, when they are really the Smith’s.

Do you remember furnishing a home? When you went shopping, did you take all the measurements you needed with you? Did you know how big your doors are, and if something would actually fit up or down the stairs? That’s enough with the questions.

I’ve seen people order things that I knew would not fit, told them it would not fit and they were making a mistake. Yet they decided to do it, only to crawl shamelessly back to the store a week or so later, lamenting that I was right, and that 97” sofa wouldn’t fit up the stairs. DUH!! Here’s your sign! I wish I could just tell these people what I really thought, instead of having to waste more time choosing something else.

You’ve heard the saying fitting 10 pounds of anything in a 5 pound bag? How about having to endure the sight of a large woman or man trying to fit into a pair of pants or jeans that are several sizes to tight, and seeing that muffin top spilling out over the waist band? Bleccchhhh!!

Then there are the ones that are just right. The ones that come to mind are the fifty something man driving a sensible car, not some super sports car that he had to buy to satisfy his sudden “change of life”, what with his recent divorce where he lost his shirt and pretty much everything else. Trust me, I’ve seen this happen.

Amy Adams and Jennifer Love Hewitt are just right. Amy just starred with Clint Eastwood in “Trouble with The Curve” and she was fabulous. I’ve liked her ever since the Disney film, “Enchanted.” As for Jennifer, regular readers know of my affection for her. Would I give up my little life to live big with Jennifer?

I’ll never tell. But I would give almost anything to talk to or meet her, and not in a stalking kind of way. That’s just weird.

So, are you Big or Small?