Tuesday 27 Sep 2016

Unbuttered Popcorn
Jennifer Flaten

Wandering around my local gas station qua bakery, I spied many green items, green bagels and green muffins. I thought I detected a green tinge to the coffee, but the burned-on sludge, at the bottom of the coffee pot, made it hard to tell.

Right before I dialed the local health department to test the "fresh bakery" products, I remembered that it was St. Patrick's Day.

Oh yeah, St. Patrick's day, beloved by all Wisconsinites if only because it presents a perfectly good reason to start drinking beer at 8aand pajamas optional. Not that a majority of the state's inhabitants need a reason to do that, but at least on St. Patrick's day people in other states do it too.

Although, I am all for a little fun with food-occasionally, I get wild and make a square pizza-I sometimes find the "greening" food on St. Patrick's day a goes a little too far and I am not just talking about those weird shamrock shakes.

After I managed to find a non-green snack at the gas station, I headed to my local Cineplex. I was meeting my mom for a showing of Alice in Wonderland.

Now, my mom isn't a fan of fantastical movies and I am willing to bet her Netflix queue never included a Tim Burton movie, so I was a tad surprised when she announced she wanted to see Alice. When I questioned her about her motivation, she answered with two words, Johnny Depp.

Apparently, when I wasn't looking she morphed into a rabid Johnny Depp fan. She couldn't wait to see him in his latest role. I pointed out that he was so encased in makeup you couldn't tell it was him. She responded that she knew he was under the makeup and that was good enough for her.

Since there was no way in hell, she would get my dad to see a movie that not only featured a lisping orange haired man, but also a variety of talking animals. I got a free trip to the movies.

Once we gained admittance to the theatre, I made a beeline for the concession stand. Popcorn, soda, maybe some Swedish fish, I planned to make the most of my movie experience.

Seeing, as it was St. Patrick's Day I fully expected to find green popcorn at the snack counter, but alas I didn't. Although, the popcorn was a shade of yellow not readily found in nature.

Loaded down with snacks, we found our theatre and slipped in to find our seats for the "re-imagining" of Alice in Wonderland.

Funny, how if a regular writer, such as me, were to "re-imagine" "Alice in Wonderland," I would be branded a plagiarist and flogged, but a hot shot movie director can re-imagine it to his heart's content and get oodles of money and Johnny Depp, not that I am bitter or anything.

Anyway, I proceeded to drown my jealousy in a vat of buttery, non-green, popcorn and waited for the movie to start.

Surprisingly, we were completely alone in the theatre. Now, this is not an exaggeration for comic effect, it is the truth. We were the only people in the whole theatre.

Either the movie wasn't a huge draw for the noontime movie crowd or we were the only people unwilling to pay $13 dollars for Depp in 3-D. Mom considered it for about a nanosecond.

I highly recommend viewing a movie in a deserted theatre. It is just like home only more comfortable and minus the children. We were able to stretch out and talk during the movie without fear of repercussions.

When the movie ended I didn't want to leave, who would? Unfortunately, the usher shooed me out. I think anytime I need to hide out I am going to an early afternoon movie.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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