Thursday 29 Sep 2016

Hot Dogs
Jennifer Flaten

Oh, the poor maligned hot dog. Once again, angry villagers are ready to storm our kitchen. Brandishing pitchforks and torches, they are ready to roust the "monster" from our refrigerator.

Last time, the hot dog was on the hit list, it was because suddenly after generations of hot dogs faithful service at our picnics and quick lunches the powers deemed (cue the gasping) it extremely unhealthy.

As if there is anyone on earth who thinks the little tubes of mystery meat are healthy. Everyone knows a hot dog are many things like tasty, cheap and convenient but healthy-no, not that.

People eat hot dogs for two reasons and two reason only-they are cheap and they are easy.

I guess cheap and easy outweigh the fact that hot dogs can kill you, simply by virtue of they are made of and no I don't know want to know exactly what that is, I prefer that to retain the eternal mystery.

Still that last terror alert didn't scare us into dumping the dogs. So, now the American Academy of Pediatrics officially declared the humble hot dog a murderer.

Yep, it seems that the hot dog is a choking hazard and it is not just that you choke after you take a bite of that gas station hot dog and wonder, "what the hell am I eating?"

No, as anyone can clearly see, the hot dogs unique shape, when cut or bit, it forms a perfect windpipe-blocking circle. Frankly, I don't know why anyone would give a small child a hot dog cut into circles but, hey, that is just me.

Now, if you are determined to serve the hot dog, even after taking into consideration its mysterious origins, you could cut the hot dog into a shape other than a circle.

Which is makes sense right? Well, not to the hysteria police. No, the hysteria police prefer to deem the hot dog unsafe and demand that it get a makeover.

Huh, if you changed the shape of the hot dog it wouldn't be a hot dog anymore. Part of the reason people eat hot dogs is their convenient shape. Besides how could you change the hot dog?

Well, let me tell you how. No really, I know how, I read about it in the paper. See, you can learn things from sources other than Google.

You know I read all the paper, even the tiny little blurbs hidden at the bottom of the food section-especially, blurbs accompanied by a full color picture of what appears to be an enormous hot dog.

Seriously, the giant pink hot dog caught my eye. If it weren't for the picture, I would have missed this amazing invention.

Back to how you change a hot dog, if you are the Gorilla Novelty Meats, no I am not making that name up. Really, if I were going to make a name up it wouldn't be Gorilla Novelty Meats. I can't think of any other words that simply don't belong together as much as Gorilla, Novelty and Meats.

This unusually named company manufactured a 7lb hot dog. Yes, a 7lb hot dog, because if a small five-ounce hot dog is dangerous then a massive many pound hot dog is surely safer.

According to the company, ginormo dog is meant to be sliced into huge rounds and slapped on a bun. Yes, rounds, even though round equals death . You are in effect eating a hot dog patty. I figure they looked at the sausage patty and thought "why the hell not".

I can't get past the "novelty meats." What exactly or otherwise are novelty meats? Wait! I don't want to know. I also do not want to eat a hot dog patty; if I wanted a mystery meat patty I would have bologna.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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