Sunday 23 Oct 2016

Best Political Team
David Simmonds

Hello, you're watching CNN and the best political team on television. I'm Wolf Blitzer and tonight we have wall to wall coverage of "Massive Monday" - the all important primaries in North Dakota, Idaho and Montana.

Let's go straight to senior national correspondent John King who's standing by his precious map.

"That's right, Wolf. I'm probably the only guy in America who can use two hands to stretch and close a map, draw pictures on it with my finger and talk to a live national audience at the same time. It sure makes me feel worth the money they're paying me".

That's great, John. Let's go now to senior political reporter Candy Crowley. Candy, you're at Clinton Headquarters. What's the mood like in there, Candy?

"Well, Wolf, I can tell you that it's pretty sour. I should have drawn the top assignment because Hillary was going to walk away with this. Now it turn out she's behind Obama and I'm covering the runner up. Life's not fair".

What about those Clinton supporters, Candy, how are they holding up tonight?

"Well, Wolf, as you can see from the shot behind me they're all watching CNN and now they see themselves on TV they're all letting out a rousing cheer. But, hey, we're CNN".

That's right, Candy, they know they're watching the best political team on television. Go to CNN to get information even more up to date and fascinating than the stuff we're dishing out here. And just think: at least you're not watching Larry King interview Janet Jackson.

Let's call in our panel but first we'll watch this clip of former president Bill Clinton speaking to supporters in Butte, Montana earlier today:

"Give me a break. Who does this jug eared boy scout think he is? I can't believe voters would be stupid enough to vote for him. We're not running to be put in charge of a soda fountain. Make him vice-president if you have to. Remember, this is my wife we're talking about. Have you people stopped to think about what things will be like around the house for me if she loses? And that Spitzter. I mean, give me a break. How could he have been so stupid? He's going to give philanderers everywhere a bad name. Anyone here got ten million bucks for my foundation?"

So, senior national affairs analyst and former presidential adviser David Gergen, will this help Hillary or hurt her?

"Well, it's tough to say, Wolf. If Hillary loses and Obama wins, it might hurt her; but if Hillary wins and Obama loses - which is statistically a distinct possibility - it might not hurt her. What Hillary's got to figure out is whether having Bill around to whine petulantly and slag Obama is going to help her or hurt her. If it does, she'll have to do something about it".

How about you, former Democratic party campaign specialist and senior political analyst Donna Brazile?

"Well, I say Hillary's just showing she can punch it out with the best of them. Anyone got a problem with that: meet me outside and we'll settle it with our fists"

And you, senior national affairs analyst Jeffrey Toobin?

"I beg to differ. That's why I've got this cute grin on my face. I'm always begging to differ. That's how cute I am".

Thank you, panel, we'll be back to you later. They'll all be blogging during the show, as another way to show off their intellectual superiority.

Soledad O'Brien, what do the Idaho exit polls show?

"Well, Wolf, they're quite revealing. College educated Latino women are voting almost two to one for Hillary; but jug eared black men are voting almost four to one for Obama. So there appears to be no way either candidate can win a majority of delegates before the convention. It may be all up to the super delegates. Isn't that exciting?"

I'm Wolf Blizter and you're sitting there watching me, quarterback of the best political team on television. We'll be right back, and so will you, even though no-one's actually making you watch this stuff.

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Some readers seem intent on nullifying the authority of David Simmonds. The critics are so intense; Simmonds is cast as more scoundrel than scamp. He is, in fact, a Canadian writer of much wit and wisdom. Simmonds writes strong prose. He dissects, in a cheeky way, what some think sacrosanct. His wit refuses to allow the absurdities of life to move along, nicely, without comment. What Simmonds writes frightens some readers. He doesn't court the ineffectual. Those he scares off are the same ones that will not understand his writing. Satire is not for sissies. The wit of David Simmonds skewers societal vanities, the self-important and their follies as well as the madness of tyrants. He never targets the outcasts or the marginalised; when he goes for a jugular, its blood is blue. David Simmonds, by nurture, is a lawyer. By nature, he is a perceptive writer, with a gimlet eye, a superb folk singer, lyricist and composer. He believes quirkiness is universal; this is his focus and the base of his creativity. "If my humour hurts," says Simmonds,"it's after the stiletto comes out." He's an urban satirist on par with Mike Barnacle, Jimmy Breslin, the late Mike Rokyo and, increasingly, Dorothy Parker. He writes from and often about the village of Wellington Ontario. Simmonds also writes for the Wellington "Times," in Wellington, Ontario.

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