02:41:11 am on
Tuesday 16 Jul 2024

Trump Mueller Imagined
Bob Stark

From the editor: Songwriters are insightful tellers of sensitive or wishful moments past as well as current events or the mood of the times. “Eve of Destruction,” by P F Sloan, is a most enduring topical comment by a songwriter. It has been a hit roughly every decade since 1965, in pop, rap and hip-hop genres.

In this column, Bob Stark applies his special skills and insight, as a songwriter, to the future. He wishfully imagines the transcript of the interview Robert Mueller III may yet conduct with US President Donald J Trump. The latent message, of the transcript, may be that as Batman needs the Joker, Mueller needs Trump.

Mueller: Your legal counsel …

Trump: Great Guy. Single-handedly saved New York after 9/11.

Mueller: ... says that you actually did tell Comey to go easy on Flynn ...

Trump: Now there’s Another Terrific Guy!

Mueller: Comey?

Trump: No! Jared! You’d be proud to have him as your son-in-law ... you’d probably want to go easy on him … ahem ... if he married your daughter ... who is a bit of a hottie ... if you haven’t noticed already ...

Mueller: And would Comey be a good choice as Best Man?

Trump: Sure … if he had locked Hillary Up! She almost beat me ya know but the election which was rigged before Election Day seemed not to be tampered with in the end ... maybe a few districts in Ohio and Pennsylvania ...thanks to those Russian-er Facebook campaigns ... well, and except for that three million difference in popular vote, which of course is another hoax ... no one is more popular than me ... I got the largest ratings in TV history for The Apprentice and the crowds at Inauguration Day! Cecile B De Mille couldn’t have topped that epic! Course, the Enemies of the People used pre-War cameras and had all the angles wrong ... that’s what happened there ...

Mueller: Getting back to your legal counsel ... then he said you never spoke to Comey at all about Flynn.

Trump: And if I did, it isn’t a crime ... but I didn’t, or if I did I just wanted to make sure he got comfy PJs for his minimal stay in prison ... before

Mueller: Before you’d pardon him?

Trum:: Pardon?

Mueller: Pardon him, Flynn ... if he was ever charged with a crime.

Trump: Impossible ... no one in my campaign spoke to any Russians..there was no collusion … no obstruction ... I won. I’m President. But let’s be honest, Robbie..if I Pardon one, I Pardon all.. capeesh? Except you know who ... Hillary ... who is at home sucking on Bill’s Teddy Bear ... he should have been locked up too, you know ... that poor intern, Monika.. imagine a man doing those things to a young women and denying it! What is this country coming too!

Mueller: Who wrote your son Donald Jr’s defence letter re the meeting with the Russians?

Trump: There was no collusion! I did it all myself!

Mueller: Why did you initially say you hadn’t, other than checking the grammar?

Trump: well, I’m his father, right! I wanted to make sure he really hadn’t confused adoption with obtaining Hillary’s emails ... that would have been suicide.

Mueller: For you?

Trump: No! For him! I’d toss the little fucker under the bus ... if he ever ...

Mueller: like Putin did to his enemies?

Trump: Sometimes, a leader has to make tough choices! It’s a dog-eat-dog world, pal! And I am thee alpha male of all time. Even Ali wouldn’t mess with the Donald! Mike Tyson!? One bark and he’s on his knees. Stormy? One slap on the butt with a magazine. and well ... Someone hits me, I hit back … that’s my mojo mode of operation ...

Mueller: Even your son?

Trump: well, remember … half his genes aren’t mine ... maybe none of them, if ya catch my drift. He’s got black hair for starters.

Mueller: So you were okay with that the meeting, which you knew nothing about beforehand, or afterwards, till you did ... the record is a little greasy on all that.

Trum:: Just keeping the enemy of people off track ... I love watching TV at night. I direct the show. Ya gotta.. or someone might get to the actual truth! And nobody can handle the truth!

Mueller: That’s why we’re having this little tete -a-tete.

Trump: French! Love the French! That little Marcon has great parades. He’s full-blooded Bastille material, unlike that patsy up North who after-all comes from asylum-seeking half-breeds. Marky is a little soft on immigrants but we’ll straighten that all out once we get rid of Angela and May. Women are such push overs ... you can grab’em anywhere ya know. Even the Queen .... but heck way too old for The Don ... I would say Don Juan but not till I get that Wall built .... as for Dizzy Miss Lizzy.. most be two hundred years old ....I only walked in front of her cause I was hoping to get closer to and sack that American actress who just joined the royal shit-hole house. Now that would be one thing I would definitely sanction! By Executive Order!

Mueller: Would it be fair to say that your son’s meeting with the Russians was about getting the dirt on Hillary Clinton via Wikileaks ... and or the Russians ...

Trump: It’s that damn DNC hacker or some fat kid eating illegal Doritos on a couch in California who is involved with the Deep State and Noam Chomsky ... and why the hell isn’t the FBI hauling in Daniel Ellsberg and Martin Luther King!!

Mueller: He’s dead, sir.

Trum:: Daniel Ellsberg is dead! Does that weak little Nam-Be-Pam-Be McCain know!!? Thumbs down on that traitor! He spent too much time in a Hanoi prison ... made him twitchy.. he actually was doing a thumbs up on the Health Care bill ... then he twitched ...everybody saw that! They got the vote wrong! The man adores me ... wants me to be the Best Man at his funeral ...

Mueller: What connection did Roger Stone have with Julian Assange ...

Trump: No idea..Roger is not a close friend. Everybody says that. He schmoozes .... hangs out ...gets his pic taken with me and says we’re longtime buddies. Guy doesn’t even know how to wear a fedora. Loser. Don’t believe a word he says ... I’m gonna delete him from The Apprentice List ... my next VP ... .but mum’s the word ... don’t leak that to Mike ... but I’ll text ya the list ...

Mueller: Speaking of possible liars, your legal counsel says your ex-lawyer Michael Cohen was at one and the same time a wonderful upstanding guy as well as a serial liar. What do you think?

Trump: Don’t listen to that fool ... he got me into this hoax.

Mueller: Cohen did?

Trump: No! That other idiot. Rudy Giuliani … worst mayor in the history of the world.

Mueller: Did you or did you not fire Comey because of the Russian investigation?

Trump: Gee … look at that Robbie ... tee-off time with the Saudi Prince when Pinocchio’s nose hits the top of the hour.  Time’s  up. I’ll have Mike Pence mail ya a signed pic of me and Stormy ... oh and Vlad says hi and watch out for the yellow tea. Caio!

Bob Stark is a musician, poet, philosopher and couch potato. He spends his days, as did Jean-Paul Sarte and Albert Camus, pouring lattes and other adult beverages into a recycled mug, bearing a long and winding crack. He discusses, with much insight and passion, the existentialist and phenomenological ontology of the Vancouver 'Canucks,' a hockey team, "Archie" comic books and high school reunions. In other words, Bob Stark is a retired public servant living the good life on the wrong coast of Canada.

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