Chatter overheard in the lunchroom goes far beyond what a fertile mind can imagine or make up. Truth is stranger than fiction. This is the second time, I can remember, walking into the middle of a conversation and wanting to laugh aloud because of what I heard at that particular moment.
I got my lunch together, sat down at my usual table. I sat and listened to a conversation for a few minutes before I chimed it. Let me set the scene. Lisa, Lexi and Rosy were having lunch and discussing pregnancy, having babies and so forth.
Lexi is the only one that has a child, a girl, who is two years old. Lisa is engaged; her betrothed has two teenage boys from previous relationships. Rosy is single, loves to go out and right now has no interest in kids.
By the time I chime in, I heard Lexi tell us all about her pregnancy, twenty hours in labour and, finally, the delivery. She offered such vivid detail most people wouldn't want to hear it while eating lunch. As for me, being the inquisitive type that I am, I’m listening; ears wide open. I know that this is something I want to write of, for sure.
As Lexi is spinning her tale of birth, while Lisa is making faces, as if to say, "I never want to be pregnant!" When she says it aloud, we all laugh at her. I'm regaling the three girls of how different Marcy’s two pregnancies were.
With Michelle, Marcy didn't have any morning sickness and it was an easy pregnancy. The delivery itself gave us all a bit of a scare, as the doctor had to "vacuum" out Michelle; it appeared she was stuck. Marcy couldn't feel anything to push anymore, as the epidural took hold a little too late.
I still tease Michelle that she was slowpoke who didn't want to leave her womb with a view.
Melissa was quite the opposite. The best way I can describe her delivery is this; she slid out like a greased pig. It was if Marcy gave one good push, and there she was.
To this day, they are still different in every possible way.
Lexi told us she was in labor for twenty hours and didn't have an epidural until it was too late. When her baby finally s delivered, her boyfriend told her that pooped on the delivery table. She of course denied it, but since she couldn't feel anything below the waist, she really doesn't know what happened.
Then they're talking about vaginal delivery versus a C-Section delivery. As Lexi is describing both in detail Lisa is holding herself and saying that nothing is going to be coming out of her vagina. Sitting there and listening is like driving by a car accident; you know it's wrong, but it's just too interesting to miss.
Listening to Lexi talk of her delivery, in vivid detail, especially how female bodies change after having kids was totally freaking out Lisa. Come on, her mother had four kids, didn't she ever talk to her about it?
In sum, guys and girls, be careful what you talk about at lunch. The embarrassment you save may be your own.
Matt Seinberg lives on Long Island, a few minutes east of New York City. He looks at everything around him and notices much. Somewhat less cynical than dyed in the wool New Yorkers, Seinberg believes those who don't see what he does like reading about what he sees and what it means to him. Seinberg columns revel in the silly little things of life and laughter as well as much well-directed anger at inept, foolish public officials. Mostly, Seinberg writes for those who laugh easily at their own foibles as well as those of others.
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