Sunday 04 Dec 2016

Horror Movie Shoes
Jennifer Flaten

I have a closet full of dressy shoes; it is something of an obsession. Although, I have nothing too fancy, no Manolos for me, but I do have many, many pairs nice shoes. I never wear them.

Okay, never is too strong a word, rarely am I seen wearing my nice shoes. On any given day, you can find me running around in sneakers. Why sneakers, when I have this closet full of glorious shoes?


Why sneakers?

I blame Jason, Freddy and all the other serial killers or knife-wielding maniacs. See, I grew up watching horror movies, many, many horror movies. Plenty of them were gory and scary and plenty of them were dumb. In fact, sometimes it is a case of the dumber the better.

Don’t believe me? I would like to enter Sharknado and Sharknado 2, on SyFy, into evidence.

Anyway, back to my extensive knowledge of offbeat horror movies. What movie featured a male murdered, with an evil Siamese twin? The twin carried a wicker basket. Over the course of the movie, they go on a vengeance fueled killing spree.

Yeah, that is a real movie, “Basket Case” (1982); I watched it. To support my above claim, I will take this moment to point out that there are two, not one, sequels.


I draw the line at evil doll and clown movies.

I could continue to dazzle you with my knowledge of movies that are ‘made in somebody’s basement’ (MISB), but I won‘t. Although I liked horror, I did draw the line at evil doll movies and I will never ever watch a movie that involves a psycho clown. I’m already leery of clowns I don’t need to boost up my paranoia any further. Hey, a girl must have standards. 

Of course, a dumb movie probably contains enough graphic images to scare you for life or at least make sure you never hang out with Siamese twins carrying a wicker basket.

I read horror books, too. All that, combined with my rather vivid imagination and the fact we lived deep in the “Northwoods,” led me to believe I might be the target of knife wielding maniac at any given moment.

Later, I added the outrunning a horde of zombies to my list of reasons why I should always have proper footwear on. By proper, I mean anything that did not involve heels that could snap off or catch as you ran pell-mell through the dark, deserted forest

I decided somewhere along Friday the 13th part 95 that I wasn’t going to be that girl. You know the victim. Oh come on, you can spot her from a mile away. She is the horror movie equivalent of a red shirt.

She and her group of friends are going to spend the weekend partying in the woods. Everyone else is dressed in flannel, but what she is wearing would make a stripper blush. What says walking in the deep, dark forest better than a pair of 5-inch stiletto heels?


She should have worn flats.

Five minutes after the killing starts, this girl sprawls out on the forest floor awaiting her imminent demise. Silly girl, you should have worn flats.

No, I am the sensible one. You know the girl who survives the crazed lunatic’s rampage. The one wearing sneakers.

So what if I have a lovely pair of all leather Steven Madden boots, with a three-inch heels, that would totally complete my outfit. I need to be prepared. Yes, I could use the needle sharp heel as a weapon against zombies, but really, zombie guts never come out of leather. Therefore, I need to have sneakers.

I also need to have my footwear laced up just right. They can’t be too tight or too loose. It’s all technical; I won’t bore you with the details. Suffice to say the shoe needs to stay comfortable on my feet while I escape the maniac de’ jour.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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