Saturday 03 Dec 2016

Arctic Vortex
Jennifer Flaten

Help, there is an Arctic Vortex bearing down on me. Actually, I have no idea if I am in the Arctic Vortex or not. In fact, I am not exactly sure what the Arctic Vortex is something about cold weather. You would think with the continuing onslaught on media hysteria surrounding said vortex I would possess a little more information. Nope. 

As if, we should be surprised that there is cold weather in Wisconsin in January. Now I would expect it to be a rather large surprise if there was an arctic blast in July, but January, not surprising really.

Also, I am not sure why this particular run of cold weather merits a special name. Perhaps it is a branding issue. After all using the name Arctic implies that this cold air is so much colder than regular cold air.

Sadly, I am unable to confirm whether this air is indeed Arctic or not, as I’ve never been to the Arctic itself. I guess I will just have to take the weatherman’s word for it. 

I am a bit confused about the whole naming of weather systems. I thought we only named hurricanes, but now I see we name every weather system. Why, were all the other weather systems jealous of the hurricanes? Right now, it is just major storms, but soon every type of weather will demand a special name. Today your sunny day is Susan.

I know they explained the whole Arctic Vortex thing on the weather, but frankly, I zone out during the weather. Every night, I turn the TV on with the intention of watching the weather. I even watch the early news (a) because I am old and need to be in bed by 10p and (b) it promises to have weather in the first 10 minutes.

Of course, my attention span is about 9.5 minutes, so when the weather finally pops on screen I am paying no attention what so ever. That’s okay; I have a weather app on my phone. Uh, actually I have two weather apps on my phone. If I don’t like the forecast on one app, I open up the other app to see if it contradicts the first.

Too bad both apps are in agreement about the ultra-cold. I was hoping the cold would take a left at Albuquerque, because it is supposed to be dangerously cold.

You know what happens if it is dangerously cold? School gets a called off. Oh, the humanity; no, seriously, it’s been two weeks; these kids need to get back to school before any more important information leaks out of the frontal lobes. I think my youngest no longer knows how to tie his shoes.

On Friday, the kids were lamenting their imminent return to school, but I could see that they were not that sad. Everyone was happy to get out of the house, away from me and back to doing whatever it is they do all day in school, learning? Oh, well, yes I think they might do some of that too.

Not so fast, cold, dangerous weather is coming to town, in order to keep everyone safe school canceled on Monday. No, it’s the sound of millions of moms crying out as one.

The same kids who just a minute ago were excited to go back to school are now dancing around chanting “No School, No school.”

Aw, hell, I mean great. I am so happy to spend some more time together; trapped in the house because it is so cold out that your lungs will freeze solid in seven seconds or less

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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