Sunday 25 Sep 2016

Centimental
David Simmonds

Occasionally, unfortunately, that means right here and now, this column lapses into verse.


When Jimmie and Stephen killed off the one cent 

I thought that a nuisance was stopped 

But after a while, I wiped off my smile 

As the penny eventually dropped 


They’d given no thought to the mess they’d create

Those so called wise men at the helm

Cos they’ve scrapped much more from the language

Than they have from the coin of the realm


Lets suppose I am socking my money away 

Must the old school advice now be spurned?

What do I do if it’s no longer true

That a penny saved is a penny earned? 


Did they mean that we spend with abandon? 

Is the limit now up in the skies?

How can we pound foolish at all

If we can't be penny wise? 


But if I were to offer up my point of view 

It would be with a tone of chagrin 

How will I know when I’ve said just enough 

When I can't get my two cents worth in?


And if you would not share your insights with me 

What price would now have it bought? 

I’ll no longer be able to offer to pay 

A penny for your thoughts 


If I were the Pope or some fancy archbishiop

My conscience would tinkle some bell

Cos if there’s no more pennies from heaven 

Perhaps there's no heaven as well


I wont fill my loafers with loonies or toonies

Until you back off and relent

And don't ask me to give you nickels or dimes 

When you wont let me give one red cent 


So Jimmie and Stephen, please reconsider

Give the language a well earned relief

It’s not weak nor improper to turn back to copper

- Why not take the hint, and go tell the mint

- I know Dief would do it, so don’t you eschew it

- We’re not talking big bucks, it's for all us Canucks

And bring back that tan maple leaf.

Some readers seem intent on nullifying the authority of David Simmonds. The critics are so intense; Simmonds is cast as more scoundrel than scamp. He is, in fact, a Canadian writer of much wit and wisdom. Simmonds writes strong prose. He dissects, in a cheeky way, what some think sacrosanct. His wit refuses to allow the absurdities of life to move along, nicely, without comment. What Simmonds writes frightens some readers. He doesn't court the ineffectual. Those he scares off are the same ones that will not understand his writing. Satire is not for sissies. The wit of David Simmonds skewers societal vanities, the self-important and their follies as well as the madness of tyrants. He never targets the outcasts or the marginalised; when he goes for a jugular, its blood is blue. David Simmonds, by nurture, is a lawyer. By nature, he is a perceptive writer, with a gimlet eye, a superb folk singer, lyricist and composer. He believes quirkiness is universal; this is his focus and the base of his creativity. "If my humour hurts," says Simmonds,"it's after the stiletto comes out." He's an urban satirist on par with Mike Barnacle, Jimmy Breslin, the late Mike Rokyo and, increasingly, Dorothy Parker. He writes from and often about the village of Wellington Ontario. Simmonds also writes for the Wellington "Times," in Wellington, Ontario.

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