Put a Note on It
M Alan Roberts

I like to write notes on my money. Whenever I have any money in bill form, a pleasurable rarity, I like to savor it. I enjoy keeping it with me as long as is humanly possible and then some. It's not that I am stingy or greedy - it's because I am dirt poor! So, what I do is take a little loving time with my monetary notes and write messages on them. My favorite note to write on money is the following: Spend me before I get spent on a plan of global domination! I have some others too. Here's one: Make sure you remember to pay your court fees and fines or Put me in your pocket quick; Big Brother really is watching you.

I like to write notes on street signs. Of course, the messages here are different. I try to help my fellow humans stay out of trouble. I like to help. When I see a stop sign, I always add to it so that it reads something like: STOP living without vision. Start paying attention! Another favorite is: STOP talking on your cell phone - it's against the law (along with everything else)! Sometimes, if I am feeling a little cynical, I make the stop sign say: STOP screwing strangers - 25% of Americans, who are merely 15 years old, have an STD!

I like to write notes on people's car dirt. Mall parking lots are great for this. It doesn't matter if it's a full-sized pick-up or a Volks Wagon Bug, I always write on the rear passenger window so that when the driver sees it, they have to walk as far as possible around the vehicle to rub it out; it gives them more time to read the message and hence assimilate the wisdom. I will write: A dirty vehicle is always representative of a cluttered mind. Or perhaps: I hope you take better care of your body. On a day when I am feeling nice, I'll write: Lick me.

I like to write notes and put them on people's mailbox posts. I do it in my neighborhood as well as in others. In my hood, I think that everyone knows it's me. I am a big guy, so they never say nothing though. When I pass the neighborhood slobs, you know, the houses with the year-round yard sales, I write a little note and stick it to the post that says: Clean up your land plot or you will be fined heavily. For the abusive husband type families, I write: You are being watched. And I even have a message for the people that seem to have it all together. You know, they're nice; they wave and smile; their yard is spotless and manicured; their children are actually tolerable. I say to them in my mailbox notes: You make me sick.

I sign all of my notes: US Government. I think that it adds a touch of class to my messages and guarantees at least a little serious consideration - even from the non-believers. They wonder. I know that they do. It's funny, nobody ever writes me notes. I feel neglected - like a dog on a chain that's never fed or petted. I just keep waiting, watching and hoping, but the notes never come to me in any form. Sometimes I write myself notes and place them in strange spots so that it seems like somebody cares for me too - like I care for others. Somehow, I feel, it's not the same as getting a note from an anonymous source of human compassion like myself.

I'll keep waiting - and I'll keep writing.