Warehouse Shopping
Jennifer Flaten

I got a membership card to a “warehouse” type store. You know the kind of store I mean. It is as big as an airplane hangar; it sells items in bulk and you have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way back out successfully.

I even stood in line on opening day to get my membership card; don’t judge me. I swear the kids made me. It was either take them to the zoo or go to the grand opening-it was cold so I chose the grand opening.

They love grand openings, well, actually so do I. Who doesn’t love a brand new, shiny store? Everything is arranged so nicely and the staff is new and hasn’t had time to get disgruntled.

Besides, I got coupons for signing up on opening day. Hey, they were really good coupons, one was for a free pack of 48 AA batteries. You have no idea how many batteries we go through in this house. The kids love read in bed at night, with a flashlight; sweet, right? Yeah, and then they fall asleep with the flashlight on; we must go through about 15 batteries a week.

That coupon alone was worth standing in line for 45 minutes. The chirpy woman, attempting to get me to upgrade to the “premium” card, was sorely trying my patience. Honestly, telling me I am saving money by spending $50 dollars more to upgrade isn’t an argument that is going to work with me.

She was relentless; I thought I might have to try the “mugger stun 10,000” I had in my purse on her. Did I do it to save money by buying in bulk? No, not really.

I did it because this place is known for its free snacks. You can get an entire meal from the snack ladies: an egg roll here, a glass of grape juice there. Before you know it, you’re stuffed.

I figure I can take the kids there a couple times in lieu of lunch. This alone makes up for the membership fee.

Besides, I do enjoy cruising up and down the aisles, goggling at all the stuff that is available in monster size. Some stuff caught my eye, specifically the seven pounds of butter.

I could make a lot of cookies with seven pounds and conveniently, they sell gallons of milk in double packs, so I have something to wash down all those cookies; no, I am not going to share-don’t even ask.

Some stuff, not so much. The kids and I like peanut butter as much as the next guy, but really two 72-ounce containers of the stuff?

After about an hour of wandering around in the place-you should be proud I didn’t lose the kids, not once, not even when I hid behind the mattress display-dammit-I decided this is where you shop if you are stocking the bunker for the zombie apocalypse.

Of course, if that were the case, you would need to buy a variety of stuff; I can’t imagine staying in a bunker with nothing but 52 cases of spaghetti-os.

I think if I it was a tossup between a bunker with nothing but spaghetti-os and zombies. I’d take my chances with the zombies. I know, I hate zombies, but I really don’t like spaghetti-os.