Spring Cleaning
Jennifer Flaten

Spring is here. That means all sorts of good things, such as flowers, short sleeves and sunshine. Still, there is a dark side to spring.

All that abundant sunshine is nothing but trouble. Sure, it cheers you up and makes you want to go outside, but it also highlights every single grubby handprint , streak and is that a face print, (lord, I hope it’s a face print, on the front window.

Cue dramatic sigh. It is time for the dreaded spring-cleaning. Although, I am not sure I want to clean the front window, I mean at least the grungy window prevents unwanted guests from seeing that we are home.

Most of us assume our house is abandoned. After I get the inside cleaned up, I will tackle the outside. The snow is no longer hiding the front yard’s shameful secrets.

Those secrets include large islands of moldy leaves, strewn all over the place, and that patch where grass refuses, even though I’ve asked very nicely, to grow. I might mention, there is a large, mud hole my front yard. Let’s see, one dog plus three children means much mess.

Dogs and children are incapable of skirting the muddy patch. It draws them, as a pied piper. They all walk in it. They all leave muddy footprints. These footprints lead directly from the front door to the fridge, where we store the dog cookies.

Each child as well as the dog, denies walking in the mud. The children will come in the house, covered in mud. I, the intelligent adult will say, “Where have you been?” The dog will look at me as if I’m insane.

The spring sunshine not only makes the flowers grow, but it highlights the numerous cobwebs hanging from the corners in every single room. Why the spiders feel it necessary to colonize my house I don’t know. Perhaps, it is the free Wi-Fi or well-stocked fridge.

Who knew the little arachnids were so industrious? They make bees look like slackers. Now, if I could only find a way to make them clean the house.

As the days get longer, I can no longer pretend that the large balls of dust are harmless “bunnies,” they are more like “Godzillas.” Yesterday, I caught one menacing the dog.

Obviously, it is time to break out the Hoover, or whatever vacuum cleaner I have this year.

In the last 3 years, I’ve had five vacuum cleaners. Yes, I have tendency to break vacuum cleaners.

Really, this is not my fault. It is poor quality control, or something, it couldn’t possibly be that I vacuum up anything in my way; this includes, pets, toys and children.

What I need is a cordless vacuum. I am forever vacuuming up the cord. Nothing says clean house like the smell of burning rubber!

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am an indifferent housekeeper at best.

I am sure right now, my grandmother is rolling over in her, tidy and well-waxed grave; she certainly raised me better than this.

Why she dusted every single week, not just when the wood furniture gets “fuzzy,” what can I say the woman was a housekeeping savant? 

Now before you call Martha Stewart and report me, let me just say I keep the house cleared of all major debris.

I just neglect the tiny details, cobwebs, dust bunnies and giant squids made out of Legos. That’s the kids’ latest building project. I prefer to think it adds “character” to my otherwise dull 1950 style ranch home.