Sunday 25 Sep 2016

No Pepsi, No Coke
Jennifer Flaten

Wow, I am thirsty!

I have been slaving over a hot keyboard for hours. I really need to stop and get a cold drink.

Ah, nothing is quite as refreshing as a tall glass of icy cold soda. Drat, that's right the government wants me to cut down on those.

Hmm, what else could I have?

Well, seeing as I am from the Dairy State, I think I will pour myself a tall glass of icy cold chocolate milk.

What!!?? The government says milk is bad for me too! Ah, come on, what could possibly be wrong with chocolate milk?

Chocolate milk makes you fat? Get out! You're kidding right?

Huh, it appears you're not kidding, according to the paper; the government wants to tax any beverage that contains sugar. Seems these sugary drinks are making us fat.

We've been over imbibing in calorie-laden foods and drinks and now it's time to pay the piper, and by piper, I mean the government.

Taking a page from the Mother's Handbook, the government is claiming that it is for our own good.

Grr, I don't know about you, but I already have a mom, one who doles out advice and chastises me when necessary.

I certainly don't need the government throwing their two cents.

Give up cola and flavoured milk. Hasn't the government asked enough of me?

First, it was necessary to give the banks a big blank check, paid for with my tax dollars. The government insisted that if we didn't they would fail and mass chaos would ensue.

So even though the banks haven't done anything for me lately I went ahead with this plan "for the greater good."

Next, it was imperative that we give the car companies money.

Again, we heard that if we didn't help, the world would stop spinning on its axis.

It reminds me of the cousin who is always mooching around for money.

We all have one in the family. This relative always-always has a grand plan. A huge fantastic plan, but he is always short of money.

If you would just lend him a little bit of capital, he will definitely or maybe, but probably not, pay you back as soon as the business takes off.

You don't want to give him money, you know you won't ever get it back, but you give it to him anyway because he's family.

Yeah, the government is the cousin in this scenario.

Still, I did my part I gave until it hurt now I want to drown my sorrows in some milk and cookies.

Except, I can't have my milk and cookies now all because the government claims they make me fat.

Yep, for once the government is telling it like it is, we are f-a-t, fat and they want it to stop.

That's just harsh, memo to self, never ask government if my butt looks big they will definitely say yes.

I guess I should just be happy they are not asking me for any more money.

Nope, they just want to protect me from myself.

They are positive that if they don't step in, pry my fingers from that double cheeseburger, and triple thick chocolate shake, I will get fat, have a heart attack and run up health care costs.

Ah, there's the money; I knew money was in there somewhere.

I am not sure about sugary drinks being the root of all our fatness. It might be our sit-assedness, but that's just me.

The government says that sugary drinks make us fat, but should I really trust the government on this point?

I mean they are responsible for food safety and all, but the last time I looked, they couldn't even keep peanut butter safe.

Seriously, the government can't even get the food inspection system to operate smoothly, we are forever hearing about tainted food products and now they want to tell me what is good for me?

The government is positive that I don't know what is best for me, so cue the superman music; they are sweeping in to protect me from the evils of sweetened drinks.

How exactly do they propose to part me from my sugary elixir, why by adding a tax to every sugar sweetened drink, including flavoured milk.

Mmm, additional taxes as a deterrent, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that doesn't really work.

You need proof? Just look at cigarettes, taxed to hell and beyond and people still buy them.

Sure, the exorbitant prices keep some people from smoking, but not the hard-core smokers.

Nothing short of the long arm of the law prevents them from smoking. That is why so many states are enacting smoking bans.

The thought of death doesn't stop them but a ticket does.

Since a ban is the only thing that works, we may soon have a ban on sugary drinks.

Outlaw sugary drinks and only outlaws will have chocolate milk and Pepsi.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

More by Jennifer Flaten:
Tell a Friend

Click above to tell a friend about this article.




Please report typos or corrections
to the editor

Recommended

Recommended

Recommended