Tuesday 25 Oct 2016

David Simmonds

Tiny South East State College in Brisket, Georgia is creating quite a stir, with its decision to appoint God its defensive line coach for the coming football season.

"It was a natural evolution for us' says Billy Joe Jones, head coach of the reigning division 4 champion South East State Wild Turkeys. "We took a look at the other teams we were playing, and they were doing the same as we were before the games: huddling and praying to God for a win.

"How was God going to choose which side to support? Was he going to play the odds? Would it depend on which uniform he liked the best? It was a crapshoot."

"So the answer to us seemed obvious: give him a stake in the success of the team."

So far, the Wild Turkeys are off to a respectable 2-1 start, their only loss a last minute heart breaker at the hands of their arch rival, the Vidalia College Onion Choppers. "They threw a Hail Mary pass on the last play of the game" explains Jones "and I think we were too respectful of the play's namesake to defend it aggressively."

So how has God worked out as a coach? "He doesn't yell and scream much," noted defensive teams captain Zeke Pakowski. "We kind of have to sit still and divine what he wants. But it works: we focus on the outcome we want. And it's cleaned up the language in the locker room."

God's apparent success with the Wild Turkeys may soon lead to a bidding war for his services, predicted sports marketing expert Bill Mallman. "It's only a matter of time before some Tier 1 college makes him an offer he can't refuse," he said, "and after that, who knows ... maybe the NFL, if he plays his cards right."

But have Jones and the Wild Turkeys bought themselves an unfair advantage? After all, wouldn't every team like to have an omnipotent force on its side? "He's very careful in situations like this" Jones replied. "He always leaves a few tricks on the table." "I also want to stress that he's got an open ended contract with us," said Jones. "He can walk whenever he wants."

Jones added with a chuckle that he hoped God would stick with the team the whole season. "That way, I can just bring water to the year end party and he can turn it into beer."

Jones declined to reveal how much God was being paid but sources indicate that it could be as high as 10% of net team revenue. Despite several attempts, we were unable to reach God to interview him for this story.

Some readers seem intent on nullifying the authority of David Simmonds. The critics are so intense; Simmonds is cast as more scoundrel than scamp. He is, in fact, a Canadian writer of much wit and wisdom. Simmonds writes strong prose. He dissects, in a cheeky way, what some think sacrosanct. His wit refuses to allow the absurdities of life to move along, nicely, without comment. What Simmonds writes frightens some readers. He doesn't court the ineffectual. Those he scares off are the same ones that will not understand his writing. Satire is not for sissies. The wit of David Simmonds skewers societal vanities, the self-important and their follies as well as the madness of tyrants. He never targets the outcasts or the marginalised; when he goes for a jugular, its blood is blue. David Simmonds, by nurture, is a lawyer. By nature, he is a perceptive writer, with a gimlet eye, a superb folk singer, lyricist and composer. He believes quirkiness is universal; this is his focus and the base of his creativity. "If my humour hurts," says Simmonds,"it's after the stiletto comes out." He's an urban satirist on par with Mike Barnacle, Jimmy Breslin, the late Mike Rokyo and, increasingly, Dorothy Parker. He writes from and often about the village of Wellington Ontario. Simmonds also writes for the Wellington "Times," in Wellington, Ontario.

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