Wednesday 07 Dec 2016

Cookie Flavours
Jennifer Flaten

Damn it, this can’t go on any longer. I am taking a stand. Oreos should taste like Oreos. There I said it. They should not taste like birthday cake, cookie dough or *shudder* watermelon.

Stuffing one cookie with another cookie or dessert flavor is just weird. If I wanted cookie dough, I would whip up a batch of cookie dough, or if I felt incredibly lazy, I would purchase a tube of already prepared cookie dough.

For the record, I think cookie dough in general isn’t a flavor. I’ve never eaten cookie dough ice cream and I never will.

I wonder exactly how this flavor came to be? Did someone, somewhere find an Oreo that was missing its cream and decided to stuff it with whatever they had on hand? If that’s the case, I guess I should be happy it was a tube of cookie dough and not a tube of squid paste. Imagine the slogan for that--Mmm, you can really taste the tentacles.

Same goes for birthday cake. If I have a hankering for birthday I cake either make one or grab a slice from the bakery. There is a third option that involves going to a restaurant and claiming it is your birthday so you can get a free slice of birthday cake, but that is cheating and I wouldn’t actually do it.

Although, if you had a flexible birthday, say 29 February that came only once every four years, thus allowing you to claim that your birthday was any day between the 26 February and 1 March I certainly could see where rules might be bent. If you were to do that, you might be able to collect enough slices to make a whole birthday cake!

This ‘food that tastes like another food’ craze is really out of hand. I think it jumped the shark with the Chicken and Waffle Flavor potato chips, but that is just me. That’s right I am a chip purist, they should come in plain, sour cream and onion and barbeque nothing else.

I imagine this whole thing started because some food scientist remembered how his mother made him eat his asparagus, even though he hated it. So now, he is on a quest to prevent any other children from that horror. Right now, that scientist is in a lab somewhere working on making asparagus that tastes like a peanut butter cup.

That isn’t going so hot. In the meantime, he created fruity Pebbles, with Pop Rocks, because sweetened cereal isn’t bad enough let’s throw some candy bits in it.

I think everyone understands that my kids would eat every single new food mash up that comes out. Even the kid that won’t eat the things that children normally like to eat, such as mashed potatoes, tater tots and cherry flavoring will gladly suck down candy corn Oreos.

This explains why I purchased, under duress, a box of the above-mentioned Pop Rocks cereal. Guess what, te cereal was awful. No one liked it at all. Not even the kid who typically proclaims his undying love for something before it’s even cleared his lips. The cereal is now languishing in the back of my cereal cabinet with other cereal misfires like coco bran and energy oatmeal.

You know it’s bad if the kids who load their frozen yogurt up with an assortment of fruit, candy pieces and chocolate syrup won’t touch it. Their choice of yogurt toppings is one reason I won’t let them participate in the new “create a flavor” contest for Lay’s. Do you really want to see watermelon potato chips? Oh wait; they are probably out there somewhere.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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