Sunday 25 Sep 2016

All that Glitters
Jennifer Flaten

The girls discovered the 2014 Olympics, specifically the ice skating events. While they find the actual “dancing” part of the program interesting, they had their eye on other things. That’s right aren’t as impressed by the athleticism as they are by the sparkly costumes the skaters wear.

During the last broadcast, they spent the better part of the competition discussing the relative merits of glitter versus sequins. They almost came to fisticuffs over illusion netting, who knew ice skating could cause emotions to run so high.

With visions of miles of tulle dancing in their heads, my girls were mighty disappointed to learn that ice-dancing costumes are not readily available for the general public.

I further dashed their dreams of sparkly glory when I informed them I wasn’t running to the fabric store to get a pattern and some material. Geez, give them one semester of Young Living, today’s equivalent of Home Ec and they think they are Donna Karan.

Sensing they were about to embark on a clandestine bedazzling mission I increased the security on the craft closet. Oh, you think I am kidding; no, way. I have the glitter and glitter accessories locked up tighter than Area 51.

Especially, after their last school assignment it was a simple science project, all they had to do is draw a diagram of the water cycle. One minute they were using colored pencils the next minute they took out the glitter and glue.

The whole project, every single item in the diagram; clouds, rain, the sun covered in a layer of glitter. I thought I might go blind due to the sheer sparkle on that paper.

Apparently, my girls live by the motto “when in doubt add glitter.” My daughter gleefully told me that on her last project she’d used just a little glitter and got a good grade, ergo she would use even more glitter on this project and it would guarantee and A.

While the girls debated the fashion side of the Olympics, my son decided he would become a gold medal winner. In what sport; oh well, any sport. With the confidence that only 10-year-old boys have, he is positive that he is gold medal material.

He is torn between the skeleton and snowboarding. They both hold great appeal to small boys. Ah, who am I kidding, the girls think those events are awesome too. To them both sports look like the best amusement park ride in the world.

Look mom, you go hurtling down an icy tube at 68 miles an hour. No, mom isn’t looking. She is specifically looking away. She certainly doesn’t want to see an Olympian splattered all over the track walls in HD.

Who invented the skeleton, a bunch of 10-year-old boys? I can’t picture an adult designing an event that is essentially turning one’s self into a giant sled and hurtling down an icy tube, but having lived with a 10-year-old boy it is totally their bailiwick.

All three kids are cheering and yelling, “Isn’t that awesome? I can’t wait to do that.” All of a sudden, ice dancing seems like such a good idea. Hey girls lets go get the bedazzler, see if we can make a nice sequined costume for you.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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