Monday 26 Sep 2016

Catastrophe
Jennifer Flaten

I demand a refund. I have three cats and yet I have a mouse problem, so obviously I have defective cats. Therefore, I demand another cat(s) of equal or, I suppose, lesser value.

Although, I don’t want a free cat The last time I got a “free” cat it came with an assortment of parasites and infections that cost me over $200 in vet bills to fix so I will skip free.

Idon’t think it is too much to ask that one of my three cats could get off their furry rumps and catch a mouse. Especially if the mouse is doing the can-can right in front of them. About a month ago, we found our little female cat in the family room standing over a dead mouse. I am beginning to think someone framed her.

One morning, about two weeks ago, I heard a scream, but thought nothing of it, someone is always screaming in this house. Turns out my daughters spotted a mouse in their room and screamed.

Knowing my daughters’ morning beauty routine I assume the mouse was trying to escape the mushroom cloud of Bath and Body works spray, because he zoomed down the hall into my son’s room. 

Armed with a colander my son and I spent a few minutes chasing the mouse around his room. Mice are fast, forty plus year old women, not so much. We finally cornered the mouse by my son’s Millennium Falcon model.

For a moment, I pictured the mouse as Han Solo blasting his way out of Jabba’s lair. Hey, wait that makes me Jabba in this scenario. Never mind.

In a brilliant move the mouse headed for my son’s closet, which contains the portal to Narnia-stuff goes into the closet but never comes out. This is exactly what happened to the mouse.

My kids, raised on diet of anthropomorphic cartoon animals, dubbed the mouse Squiggly. I knew if they found him, first they would have him dressed in clothes and driving Barbie’s Dream car before you could say Stuart Little. 

Now, you know as well as I do that you never have one mouse, you have mice. You just haven’t spotted them yet. I spent the next couple of weeks expecting to see Squiggly, ahem, the mouse swimming in the sugar bowl or a sleeping in one of my Tupperware bowls.

Unable to stand the suspense any longer, I insisted we find Squiggly’s nest today. It didn’t take long. We found him in the basement. He didn’t have a secret lair; in fact, he wasn’t even trying to hide. We found him snuggled up behind the cover to the pool table taking a nap.

I’d like to point out that all three of my cats have unlimited access to this area. In fact, the kids and I, along with the cats and the dog, a beagle mix, spent a majority of today in the basement. Not once did any of the animals indicate that Public Enemy number one was at that very minute asleep five feet from where we were playing.

I switched it up a little and used a bucket to round the mouse up this time. Then we had the big discussion about what we were going to do with the mouse. Do I really need to tell you the kids voted for keeping him as a pet?

Okay, so maybe I almost voted for keeping him too. It is cold out, he’s cute, but I didn’t keep him, although, he would have looked tres cute in my son’s remote control monster truck.

I turned him loose outside, I expect him to turn up back inside shortly. It is not as if the cats will do anything to stop him.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

More by Jennifer Flaten:
Tell a Friend

Click above to tell a friend about this article.




Please report typos or corrections
to the editor

Recommended

Recommended

Recommended