Wednesday 28 Sep 2016

Minivans & SUVs
Matt Seinberg

I am not a fan of the minivan or for that matter, large SUV’s. Driving for any amount of time behind them is not only annoying, but also dangerous. You can’t see anything in front of you except for a large rear window with bratty kids making faces at you.

Mom’s driving minivans just plain scares me for the simple reason that they are constantly being distracted by their little rug rats. Forget talking or texting on a cell phone. Nothing is more dangerous than having little kids vying for mom’s attention by beating the living crap out of each other, in the back seat.

If you’re behind one of the big vehicles in the rain or snow, look out. The spray from their tires is dangerous if you’re following to close, and it’s a great way to swerve and get into an accident.

Have you even seen a mom in a minivan trying to get in and out of a parking spot at the mall? They will drive around looking for that perfect spot close to the entrance just so they don’t have to walk a few extra feet with their little brats in tow.

Today I actually had a good parking experience at the mall. I was following a man and his son. He motioned me to roll down my window. He pointed out to where he parked. He would wait for me. Wow, that was great. I thanked him, and went over to wait for him. Women don’t do that to other people, only one man to another.

How many times do you circle the mall looking for that perfect spot that won’t appear because it’s a busy weekend? You finally give in and head for the outer regions of the parking lot, and find yourself surrounded by mom mini vans. You try to park as far away from them as possible, because you don’t want your vehicle to be by any stray shopping carts they may bring out.

What I really get a kick out of is seeing a small, a tiny, woman driving a huge SUV. I wonder how they can see over the steering wheel, much less get in and out of those massive things. When I say small, I mean 5’ 2,” say, or shorter. As for the huge SUV, picture a Ford Expedition or Chevy Suburban XL.

Those are the most dangerous, especially with little kids driving them crazy. Can you imagine three kids screaming that they don’t want to watch the same DVD, again, because mom forgot to bring some new ones? I don’t want to be the driving behind that truck.

Try parking one of those monster vehicles, in a regular spot. They use almost two regular parking spots, in any parking lot. Nor will it fit in a standard garage. Yet these women want to feel safe in a large vehicle. Yeah, it’s safe for them, but dangerous for anyone driving behind them. 

The one redeeming value I see in these big trucks is being able to handle large puddles and nasty winds during a hurricane. I doubt they would stand up to a nasty tornado, though; invincible these monster vehicles are not. These moms over estimate what they can do, and there they are stuck in the middle of the road with water past the wheel wells.

I can just imagine the frantic phone call to the husband at work or home. He probably tells her to open the sunroof and climb out or call 911 for help. He hangs up laughing his ass off, until he gets the repair bill. Then he probably cries.

I can see some redeeming value to owning a minivan or SUV if there is a large family of at least five and they haul a lot of stuff all over the place and have big car pools for sports, recitals and other activities. If there is only a small family, say, three or four, stick to the car or minivan, will you?

Can you guess that I dislike mini vans and SUV’s? By the way, I don’t own either type.

Matt Seinberg lives on Long Island, a few minutes east of New York City. He looks at everything around him and notices much. Somewhat less cynical than dyed in the wool New Yorkers, Seinberg believes those who don't see what he does like reading about what he sees and what it means to him. Seinberg columns revel in the silly little things of life and laughter as well as much well-directed anger at inept, foolish public officials. Mostly, Seinberg writes for those who laugh easily at their own foibles as well as those of others.

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