Thursday 08 Dec 2016

Zombie Preppers
Jennifer Flaten

I just accidentally, yes, accidentally, watched part of an episode of “Zombie Preppers.” In case you missed this black hole of television, the program focuses on a group of men who strongly believe zombies are real.

It gets better, not only are zombies real, but legions of them will attack soon. How soon; you would think if you were going through that much work, you would have a timetable.

I mean do I have enough time to order my own personal zombie survival kit from Amazon or is the upcoming invasion so soon that I should just say ‘to hell with my diet’ and eat the last two cupcakes? Keep in mind that my daughters have earmarked the cupcakes and if I eat them and zombies fail to attack there will be reprisals. 

Would you be surprised if I told you that the Preppers are a group of men and that there was a woman in sight? I imagine it is hard for these fellows to find a date. I picture the average encounter with a woman for these guys goes something like this: boy meets girl, girl asks what boy does for a living, boy answers “practice shooting zombies” girl remembers pressing appointment and runs away. 

Here is my four word review-these fellows are nuts. Is this a case of the pot calling the kettle black? Hardly, I may joke about the zombie apocalypse, but I am not actually preparing for one. Unless, you count hoarding Twinkies as “prepping” which it really is not, my Twinkies are for “medicinal” purposes.

Yes, my procrastination and excellent laziness are a contributing factor, but also my cheapness. I am certainly not going to spend $10,000 stocking a zombie proof shelter.

Although, summer is coming, instead of hiding from marauding zombies, I could hide from my children and not just the hide in the bathroom with the door locked hiding, real hiding in a secure underground location with snacks and beverages.

No, I wouldn’t really hide from my children-for long. Any parent who has listened to their child repeat the same knock-knock joke, misheard lyric or snippet from Sponge Bob 9 million times knows exactly what I mean.

Boy, prepping for an upcoming-insert apocalypse of your choice- is hard work. I watched as the “Preppers” completed timed drills in such things as gun loading, Ramen noodle heating and putting on your bio suit. Plus all those trips to Costco, for cases of Ramen and toilet paper, and the Army Surplus store for, well, whatever you get there.

I hate buying more than ten items from Wal-Mart-what can I say I hate carrying in the shopping bags. Don’t get me wrong I like to shop; I just don’t like to carry the bags, why do you think I have children? That’s right, bag carriers. 

I certainly don’t see myself shopping to stock my larder for the near future. No that would require many shopping bags. Of course, it would make menu planning a snap, what’s for dinner? Well, we have Ramen, Ramen or Ramen, your choice.

I realize now that I am doomed to die at the hands of a rampaging horde of the undead because there is no way in hell I am working that hard.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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