Sunday 04 Dec 2016

Unscorched Piecrusts
Jennifer Flaten

There was one good thing about all the election hoopla; it delayed the start of holiday advertising. Now that the mudslinging is over we can all go back to what we do best, buying things for upcoming holidays. The advertisers are making up for lost time; my paper weighed about 50 pounds with all the additional holiday themed ads.

Reading today’s ads, I wasn’t aware of my need for a new front door to make my holidays merry, but according to the local home supply store, it is as necessary as turkey. I try not to be seduced by all the gadgets that appear for holiday entertaining, yet they are strangely attractive. Why, yes I do need and electric melon baller-no I wasn’t planning on balling melons for Thanksgiving, but maybe I should have one just in case.

Who wouldn’t like to buy a complete new living room set for the holidays? I know I would but at this point, I will be happy to finish painting the kitchen in time for Thanksgiving. At this rate, I will have to put frames around the large color swatches on my kitchen walls and tell everyone it is “outsider” art.

As everyone is well aware, I am a prize winning procrastinator, but I’ve to surpass my previous record, by having no plans in place for the upcoming turkey-paloza. This would be fine if I wasn’t hosting it, but I am. Why did I say yes? How the hell should I know? I was asked to host Thanksgiving while I was in the middle of the big move.

I am pretty sure I would have agreed to anything if the person asking me offered to move some of my stuff; well played mom, well played.

Don’t worry, I started planning the whole event today, I bought a disposable turkey roasting pan, right now, as I procrastinated writing this! My planning included reading holiday themed magazines and researching how much a pre-made holiday dinner would cost. Not that I would buy a pre-made dinner and try to pass it off as my own, no, no I was just curious how much one would cost too much.

I want to live in the world portrayed in the women’s magazine, especially the holiday issues. It’s a world with lovely matching dishes and linen napkins and tablecloths. In the magazines the cat does not chose grace as the perfect time to throw up in the dining room. In magazine world, the turkey doesn’t set off the smoke detector and people enjoy eating root vegetables, and Brussels sprouts, instead of using them to bomb their siblings.

Just a side note here, does anyone actually make the overly complicated elaborate meals featured in the magazine? If so, would you like to make one for me?

Imagine a holiday meal with unscorched piecrusts, not that you can‘t hide a scorched crust with a generous dollop of whipped cream, imitation of course, but that burnt taste does linger. It is best to wash it down with some wine, in mismatched glasses of course.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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