Friday 30 Sep 2016

Wisconsin Peaches
Jennifer Flaten

As a parent, it is my job to suck all the fun out of everything and, in certain circumstances, I excel at it. Yes; I insist they eat their vegetables, brush their teeth and stop juggling knives.

Thus, I am not happy, not happy at all to have my kids horning in on my territory. That’s right, thanks to Health class in school; they are now Jr. Food Police.

I don’t who out there is feeding their kids Twinkies and ice cream at every meal, but you are really wrecking it for the rest of us. Now, I know you are thinking that I adore cupcakes, which is true, but I don’t give the kids cupcakes for breakfast. Okay, except for that one time, but it was their birthday and we made up for it with lots of green leafy things later.

If it isn’t a message from school about what makes a health snack; oh really, a bottle of chocolate syrup isn’t a health snack? Let me make a note. It is another round of “eat this, don’t eat that.”

Geez, when did parents get so stupid? I mean our job is to make our kids eat spinach etc., not give them the keys to the literal candy store.

To compensate for apparently, woefully inadequate parents, the kid’s health class are spending, in my opinion, an inordinate amount of time on nutrition.

Not that I am in any rush for the “talk,” I am blushing just typing that, with the kids or hearing the highlight reel from the class on personal hygiene, but at this point if I hear one more thing about unsaturated fat I am going to scream.

No, I was not aware that canned peaches contain sodium, but now thanks to my kids I do. 

Frankly, I don’t care, since I have no intention of eating canned peaches for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of my life, I am not worried about a bit of sodium in my peaches.

Here is what bothers me: I don’t understand what the school wants me to do with this information. Should I refrain from feeding the kids canned peaches or, perhaps, I should only give them free-range, 100% organic peaches picked by virgins under a full moon.

Since I know for a fact that I can’t get good and, by good I mean not rock hard and flavorless peach in Wisconsin in winter, I guess I should be canning up a batch right now.

Here is some useless information about me; I actually know how to can fruit and veggies. For me, it is always a cost issue. I could buy a few cans of peach for a couple of bucks here and there when the mood for peaches strike or I could invest in a whole case of peaches and spend the entire day canning peaches.

No, I would much rather send the day baking cookies. Yes, you read that right; I bake evil sugary, chocolaty cookies. Which, I will then enjoy with a big glass of milk, even if it means hiding in the closet from the children to do it. 

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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