Tuesday 06 Dec 2016

Grapeeness
Jennifer Flaten

Perusing the fruit at the local supermarket, I spied a little sign hanging by the grapes. When I say little sign, I mean it was an actual three by five-index card. In cutesy typeset, the card informed me that the seedless grapes “actually contained small, soft seeds. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

Now, I’ve had so called “seedless” grapes that weren’t really seedless, a bit of a surprise yes, but not something that caused me to take to my bed for the rest of the day. I’ve also inadvertently bought seeded grapes and had a heck of a surprise when I bit into one and it did lead me to question why anyone would choose to eat the seeded variety of grape, but that is not the point. 

Personally, I am surprised the fruit companies haven’t genetically engineered the grapiness right out of the grapes. The point is I am not the store should feel obligate to apologize for the fruit‘s fruitiness. Then I remember the customer is always right; no, not really, stores just let them think that so they will shut the hell up and buy more stuff. 

I imagine the irate customer returning the now mostly eaten sack of grapes railing at the poor customer service clerk, who most likely hates grapes and customers, about how damaging it was to their mental health or bridgework to eat a seeded grape when they thought they were getting a seedless grape.

I am guessing accusations of false advertising were bandied about too, necessitating a quick call to the corporate attorney and voila, a label appears on the offending fruit. What will be next? A sign on the turkey saying it was actually made of meat, sorry for the inconvenience?

Since most irate customers demand nothing less than a full refund whether they are right or wrong, I am positive the customer received a wad of cash along with a coupon for money off a future purchase, the clerk’s first-born child, and then they still posted a nasty review on Yelp or some other review site.

Don’t laugh, these days people complain loudly about everything. Oh yes, I am aware of the irony of that statement. In fact, I am sure there is a rate my grocery store site, or better yet, app.

I am not a big fan of review sites, especially the restaurant review sites, although I admit I’ve have read a few. This is why I am qualified to say that the posters all sound like they are auditioning for as the next food critic for the New York “Times.”

They truly believe that reviewing Bert’s House of Tacos, which got only two stars for ambiance, can you believe it; in middle of nowhere Wisconsin might lead to something better, yes, and a gig writing restaurant reviews for the free shopper.

Don’t get me wrong, a review stating a restaurant uses deer carcasses harvested from the side of the road would be a helpful one. Yes, there  really was a place accused of doing that, no I don’t remember where, go look it up, that is why god created google.

Unfortunately, most reviews are petty at best, examples the lights were too dim, I only got two ice cubes in my drink and so forth.

Now, I’ve got to get back to the rate my fruit site and write a review of those so called seedless grapes.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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