Wednesday 28 Sep 2016

Zombees
Jennifer Flaten

Just in time for Halloween, there is a new monster to worry about Zombees. Zombees, as the bee community refers to them, are bees afflicted with some parasite or another that makes them into zombies.

No really, I can’t make this stuff up. If I could make this stuff up, I would in Hollywood pitching it to the SyFy channel. I can just see it as one of those low budget movies they seem to like so much, usually starring a gigantic mutated piranha or crocodiles and John Schneider--sadly not outsized or mutant; hey, I just got another script idea.

Come on admit it I won’t judge, you’ve watched Sharktopus, just to see what the shark and octopus combination looked like. Yes, before you ask I did watch it, but in my defense, I turned it off the minute I saw the creature. Although it was computer generated and I couldn’t see a zipper, like in the old monster movies. it was just as hokey.   

Enough of my fantasy of writing a low budget, no-buster, just made up that word, back to my bees.

Really, zombie bees, as if the mortal zombie apocalypse isn’t enough to worry about, now I have to worry about zombees.

Huh, now that I think of it zombie bees aren’t nearly as frightening as they first seem. I can just imagine them buzzing around and demanding hhhhoooonnney. They are even, dare I say it, kinda cute in an undead sorta way.

Besides, what are they going to spew pollen all over you? I am not worried; I bet I can take them with one giant flyswatter. Watch now I will be the first casualty of the upcoming Bee-pocolypse. I am on a roll with these made up words tonight.

Speaking of the upcoming zombie apocalypse, you know it is coming, look at the zombees, funny thing happened at Wal-Mart. No, I wasn’t attacked by zombies at Wal-Mart: that wouldn’t be funny at all. Actually, I was a tad worried there was a zombie shuffling around the photo department, but it turned out to be a Wal-Mart employee.

Anyway, I was in the hunting goods aisle, don’t ask why. Okay, I got lost looking for the paint aisle you happy now. Anyway I found a something really interesting or really dumb I have decided yet. It was the zombie blow dart kit.

Yes, blow darts and zombie used in the same sentence. This kit which contained blow darts and a vaguely zombie shaped target advertises itself, hopefully, extremely tongue in cheek, as a zombie defense kit.

Blow darts to take out the undead? At this point, I could argue the merits of using a blow dart to “kill” something that is undead but I realize this might make me seem a bit crazy. Let’s just say I find it highly unlikely a blow dart would do you any good against a real zombie, on the other hand, a well-placed blow dart might get the attention of the clerk who is ignoring you in the paint department. Not that I would have firsthand knowledge of such a thing, no I was merely speculating.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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