Tuesday 27 Sep 2016

Fun in Hell
Matt Seinberg

We have some of the most bizarre discussions at work. For some reason the subject of hell came up. You know, the hot place, where Satan resides and southern preachers say you’ll end up if you don’t repent all you sins.

Well, while I believe that there is a heaven and hell, I imagine heaven being a very serene, easygoing place where no one breaks the rules because they’re too bored. Hell on the other hand is a rocking party because so many bad people ended up there, and what do they have to lose?

The boring folks in heaven just fly around all day since they now have wings, smiling and possibly looking up old friends that may have made it up there. Does heaven have any sort of database or Internet to hook into, so those newly arrived angels can look up their family and friends?

Hell is all hot and steamy from the fire and brimstone the devils and his evil minions produce. They are after all full of hot air trying to convince the newly dead that they are in a better place, where they can rock and roll all night, and party every day.

Speaking of which, there are probably more songs with hell in the title than heaven. The first ones that come to mind are “Bat Out Of Hell” by Meatloaf, “Hell Is For Children” by Pat Benatar, and “Highway To Hell” By AC/DC. Here are some other ones I found,

All American Rejects, by Give You Hell

Welcome To Hell, by Venom

Hell Ain't a Bad Place to Be, by AC/DC

Beer Drinkers & Hell Raisers, by ZZ Top

Run Like Hell, by Pink Floyd

Burn in Hell, by Reverend Bizarre

See You in Hell, by Monster Magnet

Green Hell, by The Misfits

Cowboys from Hell, by Pantera

Hellfire, by Sodom

Live From Hell, by Sodom

Let's Fight in the Darkness Of Hell, by Sodom

To Hell and Back, by Venom

Leave Me in Hell, by Venom

Hell's Bells, by AC/DC

Hell Bent or Leather, by Judas Priest

Hell on Wheels, by Fu Manchu

The Gates of Hell, by Black Sabbath

Here's a list of some songs with heaven in the title. The first one I can think of is “Holes in the Floor Of Heaven” by Steve Wariner; “Heaven Is A Place On Earth” by Belinda Carlisle; “Knockin’ On Heaven's Door” by Bob Dylan. Here are some others I found, with some obvious and some not,

   Stairway to Heaven, by Led Zeppelin

   Heaven, by Warrant

   Heaven Is a Place On earth, by Belinda Carlisle

   Heaven Beside You, by Alice In Chains

   Breathe of Heaven, by Amy Grant

   Heaven and Hell, by Black Sabbath

   Heaven Can Wait, by Meatloaf

   Heaven's On Fire, by Kiss

   Knockin' On Heaven's Door, by Guns 'N' Roses

   Something Happened on the Way To Heaven, by Phil Collins

   Tears in Heaven, by Eric Clapton

Of course, who can forgot the 1976 disco hit by Tavares, “Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel?” Please take that tongue in cheek.

If there were a battle of the bands, Hell VS Heaven, Hell would win simply because there are more badass rockers performing them. Could you picture Judas Priest going up against Amy Grant?

My favourite part of the work discussion was the Top 10 Reasons Hell Is Fun.

10) The Devil wears Prada.

            9) There’s always moaning and groaning around the campfires.

            8) Everyone gets a stick for roasting marshmallows.

            7) There’s a wide variety of SPF products available.

            6) A favourite singing group is 98-degrees.

            5) No membership in the sauna needed.

            4) The candles are always burning at both ends.

            3) You will always meet someone famous.

            2) Somebody is always beating the crap out of the real bad guys.

The number one Reason Hell is Fun is that everyone from Buffalo eats hot wings, thanks to my friend Dave from Buffalo for helping with the list.

So the next time someone tells you to go to hell for whatever reason, think of it as an adventure where all the rich and famous go, and you want to have the same kind of fun they did or just replace Hell with Heaven and hope for the best.

Matt Seinberg lives on Long Island, a few minutes east of New York City. He looks at everything around him and notices much. Somewhat less cynical than dyed in the wool New Yorkers, Seinberg believes those who don't see what he does like reading about what he sees and what it means to him. Seinberg columns revel in the silly little things of life and laughter as well as much well-directed anger at inept, foolish public officials. Mostly, Seinberg writes for those who laugh easily at their own foibles as well as those of others.

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