Monday 26 Sep 2016

Porker Wars
Jennifer Flaten

Pigs are trying to kill us. Actually, it isn’t really the pigs themselves. You don’t have to worry about armed pig militias swarming your home-at least for now.

No, the pigs are more subtle. Undercooked pork will kill you.

Oh, you thought that was just something your grandma told you so you would eat her dry overcooked pork. I did, too. My grandma could overcook a piece of pork like nobody’s business. According to Grandma, if it wasn’t dry and shriveled, it wasn’t cooked. This applied to just about everything she cooked not just pork. 

Thanks to Grandma, I still view slightly pink pork with suspicion. I don’t care what the Food Network says and according to the article, I read on the internet, with good reason. It seems undercooked pork can kill you

Turns out its true, sorry for doubting you grandma. It turns out your pork jerky might have saved my life.

At least I think it’s true. I read it on the Internet, where I also read that Elvis was alive and well and dancing the can-can in Rio. I can’t be 100% positive that my information is valid.

Not only was this information from the internet, it was also from a ‘trending now’ sidebar on my home page. Usually, I avoid clicking the trending articles, especially articles about strange diseases. In a moment of weakness, I clicked the link on the undercooked pork.

Honestly, with a title like ‘brain tapeworm,’ you’d think I’d know better. Nope, just like the heroine in the cheesiest horror movie, who ventures out, unarmed into the dark night, while a mad killer is on the loose calling “who’s there?“ I clicked anyway. Nothing like a picture of a tapeworm riddled brain to remind you to stick with links involving cute kittens.

According to the fear-inspiring article, I swear I am now pork-a-phobic; undercooked pork can cause tapeworms to grow in your brain. This, as you can imagine, leaves your brain looking like Swiss cheese.

I admit that while this information is terrifying it does go a long way to explaining some of the bizarre celebrity behavior of late.

Of course, as with anything on the internet there is a 50/50 chance it is a fake. What, you thought those Yeti photos were real.

It is always possible that in a week or so, the brain tapeworm reveal as a hoax.  It seems every couple of months there is a new, “shocking” story everyone passes around on social media that later turns out to be a fake.

Won’t everyone feel silly for throwing those ribs away before the Memorial day BBQ, when they find out the article was a bit of mischief floated on the internet by some bored twelve year old.

Better yet, it was a hoax by some disgruntled cow, who was mad at the “other white” meat for hogging; yes, yes, feel free to throw those rotten tomatoes, the spotlight at the BBQ.

To be on the safe side I am still sticking with hamburgers for my barbeque.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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