Friday 30 Sep 2016

Post Candy Day
Jennifer Flaten

Valentine’s Day is over. Candy is 50% off, which means not only can I get expensive chocolate for cheap, but also I can get twice as much.

I collected an armload of discounted chocolate from the store this past Friday and ran out of the store cackling with glee. Life is good. Yes, it really doesn’t take much to make me happy.

I would be happier if someone, who shall remain nameless, okay, my kids, didn’t go into the box of chocolates and poke holes into each chocolate to find out what was inside. Silly me, I thought hiding the chocolate on a shelf in a closet in the basement was good enough. Apparently, next time I need to surround it with a moat stocked with alligators.

Yes, I would turn alligators on my own children, its chocolate!

I am sure you heard my scream of agony when I discovered my precious chocolates defiled, oh, the humanity. I didn’t need Sherlock Holmes, although I do like a man in a deerstalker cap, to deduce who the culprits were, I am pretty sure even Watson could have guessed who did. I merely looked for the person(s) with the smears of chocolate on their faces. It was the smoking gun, so to speak. 

I sent out a posse to round up the chocolate rustlers and bring them to justice.

To keep my remaining chocolate from harm, I explained to the kids that there was a way to find out what flavor the chocolate was without eating it. Imagine their surprise when I showed them the nifty little map printed on the inside lid that shows exactly what flavor is where. You would think I was introducing fire to a cave dweller.

Now, if you think a couple missing core samples is going to stop me from eating those chocolates you‘ve seriously underestimated how much I like chocolate. Chocolate is key to my survival during not only the zombie apocalypse, but also the vast array of mind numbing kid’s movies and there are more of those then you would think.

We don’t go out to the movie theatres often, since the cost of admission plus popcorn and a drink is the same as our national debt. No, instead we make good use of Netflix for our Friday movie night. Do the math 4 Fridays a month, 12 months a year is an awful lot PG movies.

If it has a talking animal, we’ve seen it, along with singing appliances and talking cars. Not to mention every animated movie ever made. Some are very good and some are so bad that even dark chocolate can’t make them palatable.

In fact, we are down to the dregs of kid’s movies; soon the only thing left to watch will be foreign animated movies. Imagine the looks the kids will give me when I select the Spanish version of Puss in Boots ‘Gatos en Zapatos.’ Although, based on the amount of Dora the Explorer they watched as small children I have no doubts they could understand ‘Gatos’ perfectly. I would be the one in the dark.

That’s okay as long as its dark chocolate I am okay.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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