Monday 26 Sep 2016

No Rapture, No Foul
Jennifer Flaten

Well, the rapture was a bust. Unless, of course, gawd is a bigger procrastinator then I am. If that’s the case, he should be ready in about a week.

Maybe, it is a simple case of getting lost. Maybe gawd doesn’t have GPS. Yep, I bet that is what happened, I bet he took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Anyway, there was no rapture. I don’t suppose the power company will take, “Hey, I thought the world was gonna end,” as an excuse for not paying. Sigh, so I guess I’m going to have to pay those bills after all.

Not, that I actually thought there was going to be rapture. Yep, I am a non-believer. That’s not entirely true; I do believe a couple of things.

First, I firmly believe if there was a gawd and he or she was going to destroy the world, he, she or it sure as heck wasn’t going to phone ahead and let everyone know what was coming. I am sure the intent would be for a surprise. Moreover, with storm tracking technology, as great as it is today, when and if the rapture happens, I would expect to see it broadcast live via Doppler radar or CNN.

Perhaps, Jesus can even get a Twitter or Foursquare account and give us blow-by-blow updates “Just raptured Savannah.” “I just ousted Barrett as the Mayor of Milwaukee.” 

Second, I can say, with 100% confidence, that if there were such a thing as the rapture I would be, most definitely, one of the toasty. The aforementioned toasting is the result of many things; see above blasphemy, including the fact that instead of spending the past week reflecting and atoning, I spent the past week making fun of the impending apocalypse.

Hey, it gave everyone something to talk about besides gas prices. If the rapture came, I probably could get cheap, maybe free! Not to mention I would finally see an end to all those annoying bills.

It also gave me a premise for this article. It’s a win-win situation for everyone! You can imagine when I first heard about our impending doom, how shocked I was to find out that this apocalypse didn’t include zombies.

No, zombies and how refreshing is that. Every other end of the world scenario includes hordes of zombies. That’s right hordes, it’s never just one zombie oh, no, it is always a zillion zombies.

Every dang movie or book these days is about zombies, is there a surplus of zombie special effect makeup or is there a zombie lobby, working to get broader exposure for their faction? Whichever, I’d like to state for the record, enough already with the zombies.

Although, thanks to recent guidelines posted by the CDC, I feel fully prepared for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, which the CDC claims, isn’t going to be very different from an outbreak of swine flu. Uh, I can’t remember anyone with swine flu attempting to eat my brain, but whatever. In any case, I have my flashlight, bottled water, canned food, a 50-gallon drum of napalm and a box of matches, so I am all set. 

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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