Sunday 25 Sep 2016

Part-time Super Hero
Jennifer Flaten

This past weekend I vacationed in the Wisconsin Dells, which according to the many, many signs I saw, is the water park capitol of the world. The Wisconsin Dells is as you can guess by the name is located in Wisconsin, the beer and cheese capitol of the world.

I firmly believe beer, cheese and pools should never intersect, but apparently, no one else shares this philosophy. The Dells motto should be “Yes, you can have a beer and fried cheese by the pool at 10 am on a Thursday.”

After spending an entire weekend at the pool, I am now convinced the world needs a hero and who better than me. Okay, so there are probably oodles of people better qualified to be super heroes then myself, but a girl can dream right?

I am not going to be a real super hero. I’m a part-time quasi-super hero. I have a life after all.

Now, this is important, my goal isn’t to fight crime; it is to eradicate something more insidious, which I will tell you about in a minute, but first let’s talk about my secret identity.

I know by now you are dying to know my secret identity. Yes, I realize after telling you about it, it won’t be so secret anymore, but what the hell.

Are you ready? Here we go, I shall be the “Under wire."

It took me longer than you would think to come up with that name--still working on the costume.

Anyway, I even have a catchphrase, “More Bust Support.” No, I am not being salacious I am completely serious. I am, also, not sexist this phrase applies to men too.

As I said the Dells is located in a state noted for its many fine cheese houses, smoked meats, beer and mass consumption of same so it comes as no surprise, none at all, that many of the water park guests were straining the seams of their suits.

There was danger of a blowout everywhere I looked and my belief that the judicious use of under wire could help avoid tragedy. 

I am sure you are wondering what someone who isn’t a terrific swimmer, hates getting their face wet and won’t slide down a water filled enclosed plastic tube, even if it meant escaping a raving horde of zombies is doing in a place filled with both pools and waterslides.

The answer takes two words, the kids. Yes, I was there because of the kids and they better remember that come Mother‘s day.

They love swimming. I love sitting on the side of the pool doing absolutely nothing, aside from wincing at the terrible swimsuits. It was a win-win situation.

Since we were at the indoor water park in the off-season, you didn’t need a cattle prod to get through the line. I’ve not done any such thing, as, say, use an electric prod to improve my position in a queue. In fact, every time I looked the kids were hurtling down the 150-foot slide on a small inflatable tube.

It also meant it didn’t cost the entire life savings, just a small portion of it. Although, the constant “can we have a snack” brought me nearly to the edge of bankruptcy and sanity; not that it is a long trip in either case.

Jennifer Flaten lives where the local delicacy is fried cheese, Wisconsin. She writes about family life, its amusing or not so amusing moments. "At least it's not another article on global warming," she says. Jennifer bakes a mean banana bread and admits an unusual attraction to balloon animals and cup cakes. Busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse, she stills finds time to write "As I See It," her witty, too often true column. "My urge to write," says Jennifer, "is driven by my love of cupcakes, with sprinkles on top. Who wouldn't write for cupcakes, with sprinkles," she wonders.

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