Saturday 01 Oct 2016

Lifes Little Lunacies
Matt Seinberg

We’ve all seen or heard things that make us say, “Huh?” I hear “Huh” every day because that’s what I do, listen to people making fools of themselves or doing something stupid that’s it’s really funny. I’m in retail.

Have you ever heard of or seen a dish called Turducken? I saw it on the Food Network and wanted to try a taste. It looks interesting. Turducken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck, which you stuff inside a turkey. Debone the chicken and duck, first; otherwise, it’s hard to do all that stuffing.

I wonder if anyone has tried to breed a Turducken. It requires mixing three types of bird: turkey, duck and chicken. First, breed a chicken and duck to create a Dick or, maybe for the sake of decorum, call it a Ducken. Next, breed a Ducken with a turkey to get a Turducken. How would it look? I can’t imagine it and definitely would say, “Huh,” if I saw one.

Speaking of ducks, have you ever seen a flock of them flying north for dear life and then suddenly make a U-turn? Maybe then knew that something was wrong in Arkansas and Texas. Maybe they can see the hunters. Either way, I always say, “Huh,” when I notice a flock of ducks making a mass U-turn.

Another time to say, “Huh,” is at the beach. You’re ready for some fun in the sun and you see a rather large person in a Speedo or bikini. They’re eating a huge lunch no less. That’s just wrong. Someone might have to alert the lifeguards about a beached whale on a blanket.

Men that are bald, completely, on top and yet do the comb over, thinking no one will notice. Yes, such men make me want to say, “Huh.” Even better are the middle-agers, bald on top, but have a ponytail. Do they think they look cool or younger? Did the entire world go blind at the same time? It’s time to say, “Huh.”

How many times have you gone into a parking lot and a brand new car is taking up more than one spot? Well, maybe, but I don’t understand the crappy car taking two spots. What’s to protect? One more dent or ding isn’t going to make a difference. Are they afraid some rust is going to fall off?

In the fall and winter, we all use Chap Stick. What I find amusing is the person who complains that their two-year-old container, of Chap Stick, is finished. It is empty, of course, as you used it for two years. Go buy a new one.

Here’s one that is always good a laugh and makes me say, “Huh.” Someone orders a fast food meal, supersizes it, but wants a diet drink. What’s the point? Another hundred or so calories isn’t going to make a difference at that point.

Why don’t more people, at the fitness club, use the stairs? Too many take the elevator. This seems in consistent and worthy of an, “Huh.”

In the winter, normal people wear heavy coats, a scarf and gloves. Then comes along some joker complaining he’s cold. He’s not wearing a heavy coat, scarf or gloves.

An all time favourite are women that complain they have nothing to wear or any place to put their clothes, yet they have a walk in closet that is so packed they can hardly close the door. What’s the solution? Donate some clothes to charity and start shopping all over again. Problem solved, but, until it is, I say, “Huh.”

Winter is the time of year when people get sick. What gets me is the person that insists you got them sick, even though you haven’t been sick for two months. I swear this actually happened to me.

Here’s another of my all favourites. People that like to multi-task in their car, thinking they are at home or work. They drive with one hand, while talking on their cell phone, without a headset and drinking coffee. I’ve seen women do that, while looking in the rear view mirror trying to apply make-up. I love it when she has to stop short and lipstick or eyeliner goes in an unintended direction. That’s always good for a laugh or two.

How many times have we seen people talking on cell phones with the phone tucked between their ear and shoulder? How dangerous is that, “Huh.” What about texting while steering? A few co-workers admit to doing this. I had to say, “Duh.”

These examples are true. I don’t know if that’s funny or sad; maybe it’s both. If you look around, if you take time to notice, you’ll understand such lunacy goes on all around you. Then you, too, can say, “Huh.”

Matt Seinberg lives on Long Island, a few minutes east of New York City. He looks at everything around him and notices much. Somewhat less cynical than dyed in the wool New Yorkers, Seinberg believes those who don't see what he does like reading about what he sees and what it means to him. Seinberg columns revel in the silly little things of life and laughter as well as much well-directed anger at inept, foolish public officials. Mostly, Seinberg writes for those who laugh easily at their own foibles as well as those of others.

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